boyish

butts and ash.

2009-10-28T02:53:00.001-07:00

as hazy as butts and ash inside a glass container.

If that is the so-called goodbye.

2009-04-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

thoughts on leaving someone behind and on leaving someone that is leaving.

you would feel closer to someone you left behind and is staying home. because when you think of that person, you can imagine him walking on the streets you used to walk, bumping into people you used to bumped into with.

when you left someone who ain't staying home, you won't be able to imagine the streets he is walking, people he is meeting.

but, you know, in whatever season it is, the Summer wind would always be your song.

Chuck's pact.

2009-04-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

i'll see you somewhere around the world.

whether that would be in watching the pyramids of Egypt.

or running and being kids again playing in a Disneyland wherever.

or back home.
under the southern sunshine.
where we'd be having 2 packs of cigar while filling the night with memories, plans and smoke.

i miss you already.
even when i know that i'd be seeing you in a week. you'll be even staying with me in my cramped room before that day that i'll be watching your back disappear into the departure area.

don't forget to extend my regards to Her Royal Highness.

all rides come to a halt.

2009-02-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

the first ride is a single eternal loop. goes around smoothly. slowly. fast at some point. with chances to talk. it pauses mid-air. giving you that euphoria for being on top and get to see everything from above. touch the clouds. reach for the heavens. then it resumes to that smooth circle. panic and hesitation come as each gondola rotates. yes, conversations can proceed. and you are brought to traverse that same loop again. and again. after of what seemed to be an eternity you are finally put to a stop. you alight. look back. walk away and not feel anything.

the second ride is made of several loops. excited. you're being pulled to the top of an incline to be let gone. you shout, panic as you are brought to a free fall. and you realize that you seem to be on top of your lungs but there's no voice coming from you. as you come across the loops. you just close your eyes as the ride becomes rough. you hold on to yourself as you feel you can be thrown out anytime. and everything slows down. you breathe. open your eyes. come face to face with the heavens. you are coming up the incline. and the locks tick. you are bound to experience the ride all over again. this time. with your back turned. swoosh. and an abrupt halt. you alight. shout. laugh. or regret. no looking back. only debating whether you'll ride it again later that day. or not dare to be on it again before the park closes with fireworks.

whichever. it is just a matter of which scares you the most. you can only like one better than the other. but, maybe love neither.

the first one scares me. when i think that it should be more comfortable and ideal. safer and in control.

missing you stanger.

2009-02-26T21:08:00.001-08:00

at some point in our lives, we miss some- greatly. usually it's -one or -thing.

i miss UP. i am missing that day i danced in the rain and the chill that the banana shake sent through my nerves after. i miss running the stairs as to not get late for a class. i miss the faces i come across with in the corridors. much more, the faces i walk with, i sat with during lunchtime. i miss strutting down Katipunan. i miss closing the Starbucks there at 3am. ordering my third beverage upon waking up. walking out for a smoke or two. listening to a conversation or the noise that the people i see there everynight make. they're all familiar. but, remained to be strangers.

i am missing the familiar.

your face is one that i've accidentally learned to memorized by heart. but, as i imagine how weak those beautiful eyes make me and how hurt i feel as i trace that nose down to those lips, you are becoming just as a stranger as they were.

but, i am missing you stranger. so much that it hurts that even in my daydreams you remain to be...

a stranger.

i could use a smoke.

2009-02-25T07:05:00.000-08:00

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do.

- What Hurts the Most, BoyceAvenue

and all they could do is to laugh at me.

going out today.

2009-02-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

i am going out later today.

i wanna escape the noise from the construction of my brother's nipa hut tambayan. i am opposing it. all the hammering and pounding sound noisy nights to drunk people in the morning and cigarette butts, spilled alcohol and tuna flakes added for me to clean everyday. and with how easy my parents succumbed to that idea, makes me think that they don't mean it when they say that am being irresponsible for asking them money for my cup of coffee. plus, the fuss that they are all making of it is making me out of plce.

right now.

2009-02-10T22:55:00.000-08:00

i wanna cry.

because...

Ma, meet him.

2008-12-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

i am taking a break. a break to tell the world how much i love my mom!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!

i already told you everything that i wanted to say in that cute birthday card i sent you thru LBC.

love you mama! palangga ko gid kamo!

i haven't seen my mom almost a year now. and i couldn't be so sure with how much has changed. well, we can almost deal with anything now. she's started to become more of a friend but nothing less of a mother. and how comfortable she is with that? she can already afford to blurt out questions like these. gosh! but, that's a better thing, i say.

TGL, anyone?

2008-11-14T05:26:00.001-08:00

"i cannot be your boyfriend. but, it doesn't mean that i don't love you."

" thanks."

i just got the chance to watch the Love of Siam the other night. and in those two quotes, the the movie ended. i planned to watch it again. the movie was great. but when i think about it, i just so don't have the heart to replay the film.

i was so depressed after watching. gawd! it shattered a part of my ideals. that part that contains the possibility of a True Gay-Love. and i went hopeless.

and, i can't go on with this entry.

i am just so heartbroken.

not really my "kumare", but i think we'd be good friends given a chance.

2008-10-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

i have always believed that the Filipino dishes have the richest and the thickest flavours in all of the international cuisines. well, not that i really care what country's-locale is the food served in front of me, cause i practically eat anything edible (just nothing exotic and out-of-this-world, puhlease!). but, for now, i'll offer you some that is our own. and i just so know that you crave for these yum-yum's from time-to-time.

and when moi and moi friends crave, we always make sure we sate these drooling tongues of ours, even if this would bring us to the Medical City in Pasig.

via mare everyone.

bagnet enchalada.
who could identify those leaves?!
ilocos' bagnet is sinful as it is...
making it an enchalada is a sure ticket to hell.

kare-kare.
haaaayz..
needless to say anything more.
uhm, who invented this dish with oh-so yum-yum peanut butter?

lechon kawali.
bow.

puto-bumbong.

Christmas wasn't even around the corner when we ate there.
and who cares?
that was the only time i've eaten this oohhhhhh delicacy.
and it's love love.
i'll make sure i'd eat lots of this now that i can almost breathe the Holidays.

oh gawd!!!!!!! rice please.

lotsa' rice for me.

my pre-20+++

2008-10-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

At 23, I am at the stage that has just started getting a life.

When, all my college friends had gotten over school, I was practically left all by myself. Not that we declared FO, it’s just that we had to go on with our own lives not seeing each other everyday like we used to. (It was the same when I graduated from high school when I chose to be somewhere entirely new, and it was by default that I would be starting to gain friends.) I started with so less human interaction. Two hours on TTh’s were the only time I spent outside my place and in that 2 hours, I’d survived with not talking to anybody, and I frittered the rest of the week locked inside my room. And having no outlet for that my not-so-social social nature, I sought refuge over the internet, and eventually found myself in the comfort of having a virtual social life.

I added people in my Facebook account. Every cute guy I get bumped with, actually. Most of them turned out to be not-English-talking people. So I considered having crash-courses in French. Others, I added for being in countries and cities that I’d love to be someday. Still, they had to be goodlooking as my minimum requirement. It was all about taking chances on the affinity of Western people with Asians. Your network could grow real faster if you would only allow it. But, the longer I had let it flow and grow; I noticed that I was moving in on a closed loop. I realized that my facebook friends were mostly gays and we all seemed to be linked with each other. It was still a good thing, not that I really cared. I interacted with most of them in ways made possible by the site’s features. I had my share of “virtual relationships”. But, in the long run, it was hard to keep up. The site requires much of RAM usage, not to mention that the different time zones and the idea of a long-distance relationship is simply hard to work out.

So I resorted to blogging. It’s a healthy way of sharing everything. I don’t have much of readers following me, but, it was less of a pressure without having to impress a particular person. There’s no need to keep up with time zones. No need to bother with future plans that weren’t even tangible in any sense. I spent lots of time tweaking and flicking the layout more than the entries. Until, I settled with a blue-black theme. It gave that full-effect. And it is as well apt with the image that I was wishing to convey --- “boyish”. The thought of marshmallow-colors is already redundant. With keeping a blog, there’s nothing really social about it, but you content yourself by just sharing your thoughts and feelings. I tried, or dared, as the more exact term, to be honest as I could but, I failed at some point. Maybe, there are things better left unsaid, so we leave some details to ourselves. Or, some things won’t affect the entirety of the whole entry if left secret. I could have settled to this. After all, writing is one thing that I really love to do. Until, I enjoyed chatting.

how was ur first kiss?

2008-08-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

mine? hmmmmmmm...

it happened fast. i was only meaning to kiss the corner of his lips.

he closed his eyes.
i closed my eyes.
his lips were soft.
my right hand was on his left cheek. i forgot what my left hand was doing.

and with a lot of first times that took place that night, it was that first kiss that lingered.

ok. i remember everything. except that when i think about it now, i feel that there is something that was missing. and the two hours that i waited for the bus in the terminal was a torture. i called two friends, a girl and a boy, when it became unbearable. i asked them how was your first kiss? and they both said it was good. ok, mine was also good. until that point when i was alone and had the chance to recall the details. there is something that was missing. and the amazingly fast trip from pangasinan to manila, was another 3.5 hours of emotional torture.

and it is just now that i am able to figure out that missing piece. that one emotion i could associate it with. i am sure of one, excitement. but excitement is only good at the moment. there's got be something else. and just figuring out that emotion robs the rest of my feelings. and i came out to this one plan. get back to that guy and relive that first kiss. and when that time comes, i'd drop the excitement and deduce that one emotion that will last forever.

well, that's not gonna happen later today. and who knows, i'd be kissing someone else before that chance of seeing him again. but i don't care. that was my first. and nothing beats the first kiss.

twice i believed u. twice u betrayed me.

2008-07-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

would it be too much if we demand a little more honesty from a person that is important to us? hmmmm...that person also makes you feel that you are important in his life. and you are just good friends. no pressure.

in any given instance of sadness, one would usually associate it with heartbreak. and we go on searching for that heart song.

and for the past days, when i am in a roller coaster of emotions i always turn listening to these songs:

Music Box - Mariah Carey
Love Hurts - Incubus
Open Your Eyes (to Love)
Any Other World - Mika
In God's Hands - Nelly Furtado

and i don't wanna go on explaining why such songs. they just sounded as hurt as i am. i realized that falling too much in love, let love alone, hurts. this makes some love songs so sad to listen to.

UrAWriterNotALover

2008-07-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

for the past two weeks, i was trying to get back in shape to writing. i made several attempts. but, to no avail. everything dropped into my drafts unfinished. in most, i was successful with finishing a complete sentence. and that was the best that i could make. sometimes, i had beer in hopes that it would do its magic to me. i had coffee and lots of yosi to give me that writer-effect. but, i always ended up just staring blankly drowned into the silence of the night and to the chaos of my thoughts. raining didn't help. it only made me even more drifted away from focus.

several times, my friends called me insane. and when i asked them if they were serious, they were. and it got me thinking, that maybe, i was really acting strange lately. how strange? strange enough that made them buzz saying that am not being myself. and they just know me too well.

the slap was painful. because, i know that at this point in my life, i am a writer. but, my blog remained inactive. i was asked to write about the Caribbean as a sample article for a chance to be hired and make writing as a career. but, after reading a lot about the Caribbean, my mind seemed numb of ideas. it was painful, because i know that i am a writer.

and what i have been doing? where i have been going? why wasn't i writing? i fell. into something virtual. where the emotions are just as real. and i won't elaborate on that. not yet. maybe, not ever. you just have to understand that you may not understand. i am a lover.

and what's important right now is that i am able to publish a new entry. and maybe it's a sign that i am getting back in shape. i am having a fresh start with the effort of reconciling the worlds am in. because maybe, i can be both.

A Lover and A Writer.

barbel and notebook

2008-07-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

a blogger who accidentally dropped a 25lb barbel plate on his notebook causing the poor thing's LCD to shatter. a gymbuff and writer rolled into one.

hot or not?

i say, HOT!

devirginity. in her eyes.

2008-06-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

raech mentioned to me once over the phone that she had a dream. but, she won't tell me that time. it had to be in person. then that day came and she was still ecstatic. the characters: me and a mestizo guy. the plot: my devirginity! and she was like behind the camera as she was actually seeing everything happening. my oh my! my devirginity. with a mestizo guy. uhm, wasn't i the one who is supposed to be dreaming about my own devirginity. at least, in my dreams.

a couple of weeks after, i was having this personal issue with a certain guy. personal. read: it was just my own issue and not of the guy's. crap! anyways, i showed her the picture of that guy. and she freaked out! it was him! the guy in my dreams! gawd rhye! sya un. ok. it wasn't her first time to see his pics. just some old pics i grabbed from friends. but, the ones i showed her that time were the recent. ok, it was startling. i know raech wouldn't lie about anything to me. maybe, she'll reserve some. but, not lie.

but, maybe, she could have been wrong. there is just a lot of mestizo guys. and others would look almost alike. maybe, it is really this guy that i was with in her dreams. i am posting this guy's pics just in case he'll be more familiar to her. afterall, they have similarities. both hot. goodlooking. and everything that is mestizo. well, i think it has to be corrected. they both don't look just like mestizo, but, full-bred. anyway, for clarity's sake, here are some pics for her to compare.

for some reasons, i hope that it was this guy.

raech, tell me you were wrong about the first guy!

uhm, either way, how can you be dreaming my dreams?

Boyish in Coron, Palawan: divinity. virginity. under the fading sun.

2008-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

i wonder if how many people from that trip knew that my name is rhyan and that it has an H after the R and before the Y. or at least, must have considered calling me rhye, as what was stated in my name tag. well, there's one person who was able to spell it out. never missing the H. and i was ok with that.

wet even before blown. -ayla
on the last day, karen and i knew how sacred every stick was.
we were on our barely a pack of yosi.
as much as i was protecting it, i didn't anticipate the strong current and the shifting of tides.
i held 'em high, but to no use.
some remained dry. some were stained. some were on 50-50 chances.
in the pursuit of salvaging, i dried 'em in between bamboo poles.
and, at the end, they served their purpose to be blown.
not shown was my red lighter that miraculously worked after getting soaked.

i am actually thinking, if it wasn't for that one-word description i made of myself during the introduction, maybe, i would have turned out to be another nameless face. my record with the straight-shots was only secondary. if it wasn't because of that one-word description, they wouldn't even have considered cheering for me to have 6(7) shots straight of that concoction.

boat 3. -ver
this was taken while leaving the Kayangan Lake.
and it made me realize how stuffed the boat was.
it reminds me of our Vietnamese brethren on their pursuits for refuge in Palawan.
though, i really find it amusingly beautiful.
with the sun about to set. making everyone gloriously tan.
for some reasons, this still appears glamorous to me.

up to this time, this whole introduce yourself part still gets me. in whatever circumstance. which part of me do i have to tell. which part would they need to know. would interest them. would make me successful in getting into their consciousness. for me, introductions should not take more than a name, just the first in most cases, and a handshake. and, as an additive, your job if it is on any relevance to the occasion. in a friendly setting, a description which is supposed to be striking, say cool, is required. that time, i had to come up with something that is me. and there was no better link i can think of but my blog. this blog. BOYISH. it created a mark. more than what i intended to.

for the love of beautiful pictures. -ayla
this banca was left in the middle of the low-tides.
under the setting sun.
karen and i heard it calling us, "pichur! pichur!"
right there and then, we knew we can't just let this call for a beautiful photograph pass.

we are against the sunset, and we adore it. - ver
this is how it looked like when viewed from the other side.
against the golden blanket and shimmer of the setting sun.
a cheapshot that is totally not cheap, but, a real money shot.
a cheapshot is a stolen shot. candid.
and we are so thankful to those who did cheapshot us.

it's just so painful to leave you behind. -brian
it was hard walking away from such a perfect set.
another cheapshot we are thankful of.
those who did cheapshot must be more thankful for having been given
such beautiful subjects and photo turn-outs. *nagfi-feeling :p
silhouettes can still convey emotions.

now, it is a definition, more than just redefining. for me. and for a lot of other things. boyish, now, is anything that is poetic. dramatic. emotional. sweet. and yeah, gay.

yoga. yogis. -ayla
we left the banca for these stones.
not seen here were the sea urchins.
oh, in the name of beautiful pictures.
if only this picture captured the shrieks.

sunset is not all about lonliness. -ver
it is also about divinity. and glamour.
it is not just any other cheapshots.
i just don't know which of these ver's cheapshots will be appearing in a magazine.
next time, operation topple these shots.
pressure. pressure. oh! it'd be really hard.

sunset is, oh, so boyish.

Coron, Palawan: under the canopy of stars. the real fun. and just some parental guidance.

2008-06-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

we set our camps in the Tapachelen island. for having settlers, we thought that we'd be having our taste of fresh water for rinsing. so, off we went to the deep-well the bangkero suggested to us. everyone was itching to get some cleaning. neverminding the mosquito bites that once had caused panic to the world with the threat of malaria. and considering every drop sacred as if it had just rained after a long drought during the biblical era. only to find out that the water was murky. instead of bathing with mud, we opted to hit the beach! wohooo! but, soaps were of no use for being basic with the salinity of the salt water. so, we resorted to shampooing from tip to toe and rinsed with mineral waters we brought along.

but, it wasn't all mess. we had a sumptuous dinner. the bonfire was set to flame. most of us stretched out lazing under the most spectacular canopy of stars on the dark canvass of the night. like a child, some ran after fireflies, others remained fixated on the sky and gave out a sigh of happiness for every shooting star they saw. maybe, it was just so beautiful that people seemed to be oblivion of leia's call for tagay's. it wasn't easy pulling the socials together. people were scattered around the area doing their personal stuff. some hit the tents as if it was some white comfy bed they can't resist. with 6 shotglasses and a few people gathered in a semi-cicle, it just became a 4-step cycle. the only break we had was when the tanggero's had to concoct more gin-orange or gin-strawberry. it wasn't long after deneb's firedancing, which was a total entertainment, that they started calling out for people to do straight shots. until it was my turn. how did i know? their calls were so undeniable. boyish! boyish! boyish! until, i realized that there was no turning back for me. 5 straight shots for me! not a split of a second in an interval. getting drunk the night before the trip, i had a practice. 5 lang?! yun lang?! at dahil madali silang kausap, they gave me another shot!! was that just one? or i had a total of 7 shots straight? now, i can't really remember. and everyone went wild! boyish! boyish! it was crazy! and no one was up for the challenge of having more. until, we were all rolling in the sand. sea urchin!!!

everything was just diverted when someone uhm, should i be dropping names here?! hmmm...nah! and since i can't give out such details, then there'll be no point of pushing through with this blog. let's just say "whatever happens in coron, stays in the multiply." and this is no multiply.

ok, again, let's just say, i passed out. well, for some time i did. and again and again, let's just say that when i woke up, it was already peaceful and i ended up counting shooting stars, as the early morning sea breeze blew as i listen to some beach bumming music. and my second day in coron started long before the day's break of dawn.

sea urchin!!!!

surely no one would forget how fun and crazy that night was.
it would be long til another socials could topple this.

and the stars, dude! the shooting stars! the fireflies! those were the best parts really. very poetic. so boyish.

(photos by deneb)

Coron, Palawan: its broad daylight. the fun. anything wholesome.

2008-06-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

after the Anawangin-Capones trip i had with liss, raech and her highschool friends: seph, abby, mel and jere; i suddenly felt the Coron, Palawan trip dragging me. a little with the preparations and more with meeting its dues. to the information of everyone, only my mom knows about it. though she didn't fully agree to it, at least, i was having that assurance that she'd still give me the money to pay for it. and i decided that i won't be asking for an extra allowance days prior the trip for a good-shot when the time comes that i'd be bringing up the budget for my Palawan getaway. i was able to pay for the package as she gave me a sum too much for my basic allowance. though i still had to squeeze with what was left since the Zambales trip was illegal, thus, giving me no right to ask money for it. ok. so, i was surviving. with minimal starbucks visit which was really hard, to the deprivation of the taste of Jolibee and sticking with homecooked meals. the idea of steak was dropped, it was a luxury then!

the day before the trip, karen and i were on a panic with the absence of preparations. but, hell yeah, i still managed to meet with a friend for my pre-palawan. lotsa booze, boyz and smoke in our now-favorite hang-out Tomato Kick in UP Village. pizza and marinara that cost TK two bottles of hot sauce! wohhooo! maybe that's what got me inquiring for a tarpaulin printing from a cute attendant at 12 midnight. it was just after a couple of hours of sleep that i packed my stuff with a hangover. and going back to my trip allowance, i was able to save enough. but, i already told my friend to get some extra cash ready in case i ran out. as, it turned out that my mom totally forgot about it and left for the farm without a penny in my bank. the farm is a tiring 4-hour drive from our city address. cellphone signals in the house only range from a single bar to 'out of coverage area.' so she most likely didn't get my text messages. and with both my parents in there, all the money made from the deliveries were sent back and not deposited directly to the bank. ok mom, u have forgotten. but, that's not gonna stop me.

i met up with jim in Trinoma. and while we were there, papa called and i had no choice but to tell him that i was leaving for palawan later that day. so little questions asked. who i was going with. the whereabouts. no scolding for not asking permission. and he said that i should take good care of myself. after a while, he called me again, and asked me where would i get my allowance. they were worried that my mom forgot to send me money. and if they send someone to the bank, it won't make it by the time the bank closes. so, it was my fault that i didn't have money. my consequence for not telling papa about it. arghhh! after buying dry bags and other necessary stuff, we met up with karen and ayla in Pier 15. the whole boarding process was tiring, and a coca-cola vendo was a bliss. the Superferry departed around 4:15pm and we finally had our breakfast. rested and roamed a little. then, dinner before the orientation. the trip was arranged by the Travel Factor. and being newbies among the regulars and kaladkarins, we were still gauging characters. we hanged-out in the viewing deck after, until it's time to freshen-up and hit the bunks. me, having so little of sleep from last night, with a hangover, should have been snoring at the mere sight of the bed. but, no. after twisting and turning. and some more twisting and turning. and a lot more of twisting and turning, i was fully awake. so was the guy in the next bunk. it took some yosi breaks to lessen the torture of not doing anything. i was only wishing that it'd be sunrise too soon so that everyone would be awake for the group picture in the deck.

TF UBBE Coron, Palawan. group picture before docking in Coron pier. by gerrick.

our group was assigned to boat 3. together with the couples; mitor and kabbie, brian and jaycelle, another set of barkadas; jolly, lira, kat and abby, and the solo's jerome and cae. our boat leader was mhe(f)p. and because of some mixed-ups, we boarded the what-was-supposed-to-be boat 1. lucky for us!

inside boat 3. by ayla.

CYC Beach.
after breakfast.
while waiting for the lunch to be cooked. we had to, since ours was the master boat.
boat 3 bonding.
by ayla.

group picture in CYC Beach. by ayla.

CYC Beach.
boyish with the girls of boat 3. by ayla.

Snorkeling in Coral Garden. by jolly.

Lusong Wreck. by jolly.

Calambuyan Island.
after lunch.
strong current.
by ayla.

North Cay.
boat 3 in deep blue.
with the sun up and high, it was a dragging hop.
by ayla.

that kind of a Guess pose. by ayla.

Kayangan Lake. by jolly.

Twin Lagoon.
an identity crisis.
salt or fresh water?
hot or cold?
by jolly.

boat seatmates.
having the taste of sunset before going home.
by ayla.

boat three was the best. and of course, people from other boats would refute it. but then, it's subjective. i would not know what it was like to be in boats 1 and 2, nor would they be able to have that taste of the perky, fun, active and great people of boat three!

brian. jaycelle. ayla. karen. jim. me. mitor. kabbie. jerome. cae. jolly. lira. abi. kat.

and TF's leia who joined us from time to time.

by jerome.

Anawangin. Capones.

2008-06-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

day 0, May 23. this trip was something we talked about. partially planned. the day before the trip, i had to check with the PAG-ASA for possible LPA's. raech and i talked about its details and just imposed them to everyone else. the catch of it all, up to the last minute, raech didn't get any confirmation with her permission from her dad. and to get his approval, i had to show-up. with the possibility that i might go back from Laguna alone and canceling the getaway, we still gave it a shot. it turned out irresistible with the backing-up of raech's mom and brothers. the mood was set and i was tagged along their family dinner in North Park - Alabang Town Center. the post-dinner was supposed to be moviewatching. apparently, tickets ran out for that screening time. who could still be watching Ironman on its third week?! oh, jinx! we ended up roaming around, buying some havs and playing with the elevator. boohoo!

day 1, May 24. At 2:30 in the morning, raech woke me up and by four, we were already sneaking out of their house trying not to make some noise which was hard as i bumped into some shelf with my big fully packed The North Face and coolerbag. we opted to just walk out of their village as waking up his brother to bring us to the bus terminal or calling for a tricycle would possible attract attention. we arrived after mel, abby and liss. seph showed up shortly. and where is jere?! he overslept, but luckily we were on board the Victory Liner bus going to Zambales at 6am. after more than four hours of traveling and enduring the winding road, we arrived at some town and made our way to Apo Baket.

(the view from Apo Baket Resort, the Carmelita overlooking Capones island on the right,
while waiting for Gino)

we had our brunch and purchased drinking water and booze! we boarded the Carmelita as soon as Gino arrived. just imagine how the boat in the photo above could fit 10 people. the roughly 40-minute boat ride was full of anticipation and excitement. upon setting foot on the shore, we surveyed the area. camps were already up. and since "kame ay nakakaangat sa buhay" we set-up our tents on the other half of the area where there were comfort rooms, running fresh water source and caretakers to attend to us. this part was something i'm still proud of and without hesitations, taking cedits for. it took for a gay-guy to put up all four tents! boys, it wasn't at all hard! well, i just felt the need to be able to make a tent stand erect after watching Brokeback Mountain. seph, mel, gino and jere who were itching to get their Anawangin-water dip, hit the beach; as me, liss, abby and raech looked for the infamous lake or lagoon or whatever body of water was that and had our photo-op.

the ashed shores of Anawangin.
the other side is blocked by a stretch of mountain that, much to my dismay, concealed the sunrise.
'tis where we played the cardio-intensive improvised frisbee
where gino and seph ran-after and massacred the poor hermit crabs
where raech and seph held hands while walking.

my taste of sunset.

(pine trees outnumbered the coconut trees)

whatever-body-of-water.
with the craziest thoughts,
scared us the way Lake Placid did
its mossy bed might have been hiding snakes
a log from a distant transformed into an Anaconda
which made us all lucky to hear Abby let out her first-ever swear.

infamous. boat. the famous boat.
where the bed is of powdery white sand
where the hot and cold portions of water doesn't blend into a lukewarm.

day 2, May 25. thinking we'd be running out of food to last til 4 in the afternoon, we asked for our bangkeros to fetch us after lunch. and thinking that it was still too early to go home and with the feeling that we hadn't had enough of the beach yet, we opted to do a side trip to Capones Island. after some negotiations to get it for a lower price, we boarded and went on a 30-minute ride to the island.

Capones. Capones! Capones!!
better swimming spot
powdery white sand
clearer water
found Nemo!

we're thankful that we pushed-through with this side trip!

boarding back the boat, i couldn't locate my Havaianas Surf until we reached the Apo Baket, where i was already planning to turn Carmelita upside-down just to find it. i found it hidden somewhere where am sure the bangkeros hid it intentionally. not funny!

we boarded a minibus which was not at all comfortable going to the Olongapo bus terminal. we were all asleep on our way to Cubao.

it was a thrift trip. i made sure of that as i was saving for my Coron, Palawan trip two-weeks after. i won't be able to account for the expenses, but, i am sure it didn't cost each of us Php1500 bucks for everything.

too much of making me feel that there's no one to hold my hand

2008-06-01T03:09:00.000-07:00

it wasn't a breezy Anawangin-shore morning. but, yes, it was cold. raech and i agreed that the sun rose on the other side of the island, hidden behind the mountains in our back draft. nonetheless, it was a fair wake-up off a tent night. the sea seemed to move a bit farther from the shore. and the wind blowing softly creating cute humps of waves kissing the shore passionately as compared from the last night's hard and torrid.

i was staring blankly towards the horizon and still wishing that the sun could have risen there. what got my attention off morndreaming was when raech and seph rose and started to walk away. ok, i pretented that i didn't pay attention. but, boy oh boy, the fact that there's no one to hold my hands came crushing on me.

story of a girl

2008-05-28T10:54:00.002-07:00

beer and raech is not a match. not at all. raech turns into a big red lump as the spirit of alcohol runs down through her esophagus. but here i am, writing my blog entry of her with a bottle of San Mig Light. with yosi breaks in between, of course. she said, that i shouldn't be dramatic enough to make Ate Charo burst into tears, but, having beer is already so much drama. and no. don't think i have to be under the influence of alcohol just to be able to write this. well, that's another drama. in an off way. so drop it.

the first time i met raech six years ago, the anti-social-quiet-me was so the opposite of the perky-enthusiastic-her. not that i didn't like her, but that was just the me. without realizing that we'd be taking the same classes for being of the same course, we met roughly two years after. it was ok having someone familiar in the class. but, having someone seated next to you who loves to talk was a different story. she started introducing her life and discussing things even before the professor had started giving lectures. and until now, i still believe that she's the reason why i did come out off my shy-shiny-shell. until now, i still tell people how i used to be quiet until i sat down next to raech in class. raech, there's the comment box for you to refute it. which am sure you will do.

from then on, we became mates in almost everything; lab-, seat-, class-, group-, thesis-, project-, study-, to eating, shopping, watching movies, to boy-watching, uh, to almost everything. our early-friendship ultimate bonding was eating our favorite longganisa meal *with extra garlic rice for me, drinks upsized to iced tea and with an order of twister fries for each of us in McDo Katipunan. and our dessert? the cute guys from Ateneo. that was our complete breakfast for quite sometime. by then, our favorite hang-out place was National Bookstore, may it be in Katipunan or Crossings Quezon Av where we never failed to check on the appliances and furnitures sections.

in the long run, i had developed a sort-of dependence on her. when i cram on our big-time papers, she remained calm. when i felt full with the butterflies in my stomach during reports or presentations, she was my cheerleader. there was that confidence that i'd be making thru with whatever i do as long as she's my mate. she's my confidante. i can tell her things that i'm not comfortable telling anyone else. and that was just fair, after all, she's shared a lot about her life. even the story of her first menstruation!

there were the down-stories. one literally down-story was when she was slammed down to a chair by her brother, whom i find hot, and who is the same guy behind the wheel in my earlier post passenger's seat.
and how funnily i came in defense of her brother. ok, i just have to mention this to establish her connection with the guy behind the wheels. and who'd forget that one down moment that almost made her laptop fly? that same moment that stained with tears a long table in the ground level discussion room of the Engineering library? i was just waiting for her to call for it then we'd rage war *haha! one thing that i really admired about her, was how she came out strong and in control *maybe not much with her emotions but with the whole situation, in general. and one thing i was saying to comfort her, "sabihin mo lang raech, ipaghihiganti kita. paiibigin ko sya tas idu-dump!" which of course, she found funny. but, the next time that happens raech, now that i've met him, i might just give that a consideration. though, am not sure of the "dump" part now, *haha. just kidding! but, i guess, it's about time that i make this confession: when you said that you were meeting him for lunch that enrolment day, it surprised me, though i have anticipated it already when you said that night before that you'd be talking to him. i just thought we'd be having a lunch out that day. well, i didn't ask why. as i have stopped questioning love when i realized that there'll never be an exact answer to my question. but, after bonding with your high school friends, i seem to know why. and it's scary that am finding the reasons *lol so am shrugging 'em off. on a serious note, i feel confident that you're back to his big strong arms. big-strong-arms that needed a gay-guy's-strength-that-is-me to put up a tent. whew! ok, am still proud of that. but, in case he forgets that gumamela in your bikini, you know that i am just a text away and i can readily take on our revenge.

molded with experiences in like,
this girl, like anyone else, is ordinary.
struggles through pain.
efforts on acads.
endures failures.
success.
this lady is extraordinary.
she handles and faces them with lax and sophistication.
simplicity hidden behind the stern looks.
charm is obvious by the sweet smiles.
raech does whatever she can today
and never waits for the next day.
but she envisions tomorrow with positive thoughts
and as another chance for her to be better.
she stands with what she believes
and opens to what she has to.
a woman of both contentment and wishful-thinking.

-by me, on her yearbook write-up-

the sweet smiles sometimes fade, and from a night's cry, eyebags appear with a frown in your face. but, tomorrow, when the eyebag cream takes its effect, you'd see in the mirror a better person that is you.

sis, remember that bus ride after your party i was telling you about? that it was too early in the morning? and cold? i think i forgot to tell you that the mild rain made it possible for me to see my reflection in the window. it was a look that is missing you and everyone else. yab yu sis!

your share of the alcohol has turned warm. but, since you can't have it, i'll still finish it even i gag to the taste and smell of a stale beer.

passenger's seat

2008-05-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

there is something about boys, uhmmm...guys, hmmm..ok, men that fascinates me. am talking here about real men, straight, goodlooking. those men with views in life that transcend more than sexual preferences. those men who could sit down with you and talk, discuss things, and ask.

ok, mine wasn't that kind of sit-down, it was more of the passenger's seat moment. he greeted me, inaantay mo daw ako? andito na ako! with his arms stretched to the open. i've been liking him, that's no secret to anyone, even to him. this guy could stir conversations. no dead-airs, that am proud of. we talked about catching buses on late-nights. he told me about his girlfriend's graduation and how it was lengthy and gotten-sort-of boring. how hard it was raining in manila that's why he arrived late at the party. how inappropriately dressed he is in a semi-formal just to drive his sister's friends to the bus station. he said that i should have gone to his birthday party as it lasted til the next day. he recalled how it rained hard and how slowly he was driving and that other cars got stranded.

he had to hit the gas station. we were still talking about things of just nothing in particular. he asked, why others had to leave early as the real party was just starting.

then we drove to fetch his boys. what? dyahe! if i only knew, i shouldn't have joined him. he alighted and whistled. he talked with a friend at the gate as i was left in the passenger's seat just looking at them. he motioned to me at times, he must have said that he was with someone. and how he told me to him, that i am not having an idea. and he went back to the car. pinasunod ko na lang sila. that was a relief. at least, i didn't have to do what i have been practicing on how i would be reacting when he'd introduce me to them.

on the way back to their house, he told me that he's got only three really close friends that he would just love to hang out with. that his friend's mom would kid that they could be gays. he also told me that he doesn't like girls when it comes to drinking sessions as they are a responsibility as you would need to bring them home and attend to their being-a-girl. we discussed about the night life in their area and how cheap beers are. with a 100-bucks, you'd get drunk already. he told me that it isn't easy driving around their place as streets may get confusing even when you already live there. he told me that the provincial trains passes in the street we were crossing. he asked me if my parents don't get angry when i stay late. i told him they are in mindanao, and i told them my whereabouts. he said that his girl is from zambaonga. i asked him where would she be working. is she going back to the province now that she's graduated?no, he said. she'll be working here as working with provincial rates doesn't get you anywhere. we talked about his future plans. he wants to put up a building to be leased for an easy money. i also told him how i was having thoughts of venturing into a small business.

then we arrived. and i became that shy me again. he offered me some beer and jokingly "flirted." uhmm, yeah, i believe so. and all i can do was smile.

oh! that ever shy-me, i hate it.

and i am deciding that he could be a really really great friend, if only i don't like him. and of course, when given a chance. it's not like i see him everyday.

btw, he is a smooth driver. and for some reasons, it feels safe to be sitting in the passenger's seat with him on the wheels.

the rain. the kid. the kid dancing in the rain.

2008-05-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

when was the last time i danced in the rain?

yesterday afternoon.

it started when i decided to tip-toe my way to the ME Department to check on my ES12 grade. i passed. that kind of pass that gives no allowance for a single mistake. i needed 12 out 20 from the last exam. i got exactly that. after four takes *such a shame. but, hey! we passed! and for the first time in this blog would i be mentioning about the rain. dancing in the rain.

i just wanted it to be dramatic. that kind of thing i haven't done for anything else that happened in my life. so i danced. i made splashes with my Chucks. and i was drenched. my orange jacket soaking in the rainwater. i extended my arms to welcome the shower all over me. would that be a polluted rain, for all i care. it was freedom, finally, from dose. and having made it to the cut-off added to the reason to celebrate.

and i broke the strap of my lavender adidas sling bag. and being this i'm-sorry-mom-i-played-in-the-rain kid, i didn't care. i picked it up in the middle of the street, not minding if the light already turned green. i was just worried because my laptop was inside that bag. i was a kid that knows nothing but play. i just clutched it and continued my dancing.

and when people asked, i just told them, sometimes we need that kind of drama in life. and so much for the drama, the rain has stopped and turned into a cold blow of wind. so much for the drama, as i was finishing my bacon, footlong, two servings of rice, two servings of pancit canton, pepsi and smoothie *oh! smoothie in the rain. why not? i was shivering. that kind of chill that made me worried that my lungs are gonna collapse any minute and that the cholesterol deposit in my arteries are solidifying to block the passage of blood. so much for the drama, the chill was torture.

and i never looked forward for a hot bath in my whole life the way i did on my way home. kuya, can we turn the aircon off and turn the heater on instead?

monday zits.

2008-05-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

i hate mondays since they implemented this 4-day workweek. how can there be classes when the offices are closed? and the library?! students use them and not the office people, how can they be closed? i hate this monday in particular, since my 9-12 class was done, i have this four and a half hour break. talk about killing time here!

i hate this monday more because right now, i'm broke. i only have a few peso left in my purse. one 10-peso, three 1-peso and three 25-cent coins to be exact. and yeah, a 10-euro bill.

i bought yosi before i went to school. that i can't live without, i decided. maybe, just like the rest of the tambays, i would rather have cigars in between my lips than a piece of bread down my esophagus. logic? none.

i had my breakfast after my 7am class. a king-sized hotdog, a sunny-side-up, and two servings of rice. i also had melon shake to go along with my yosi. and for the first time, i washed my medicines with a smoothie! hell yeah! and i had a 20 worth of eload for emergency texting.

i headed to the library, thanks god! the engineering library is open! not that i am really a library person, but, library's gonna halp me kill time.

i don't know if my mom already sent me my allowance. and i am lazy to check. so, i won't be taking in anything before my 1:30 exam. programming! how i hate programming!

i'd just grab something before heading home later. but, right now, i am worthless with a few peso left in my purse. and at these times, i am cursing my regular visits to starbucks where i spend at least 500 bucks. and maybe, i am regeretting it as well, but i'd surely go back to starbucks, maybe tomorrow.

dinner?

2008-05-08T11:01:00.001-07:00

bacon strips, egg and cheese on multigrain bagel.

with my supersize appetite,
how do i content myself with such dinner on a normal starbucks visit?

blame me. not.

2008-05-07T10:37:00.001-07:00

i was debating whether to have these pictures posted here. but, here they are. just until someone finds out.

now, can you blame me for that "seven-years" of my life?

can you?

thought of the day.

2008-05-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

i just feel that the last thing i can tolerate now is insensitivity.

if am shutting you off my life, that could only mean that i find you insensitive.

this much.

2008-05-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

with this whole thing that's going on in my head. i surely need some clarity.

what do you really want to happen now?
uhm. make him hate me? at least that's better than the indifference. after all, it's about time. i think that's it.

what do you want to happen next?
i don't know. i have nothing to risk. i don't even think we are friends now. i've lost him and the possibility of things getting ok between us.

are you ready to hurt him?
i just wanna get even now. it is seven years crushing all over me now. and it is so painful. i can take any mockery from him. much more from other people.

is this what you really want?
i don't know. honestly, i can't really hurt him in any way that i can possibly do now. i won't really afford to lose that littlest respect he has left for me. because i am sure, he can still associate me with his childhood. in any way.

somehow, i am certain, i still can't afford to hurt him. maybe, i just love him this much. and my best option right now, is to settle it with him.

serving its purpose. 4.

2008-05-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

they were so inviting. we didn't turn them down.

vigan empanada.

pork barbeque.

chicharong bulaklak.

so, they were never disappointed. neither, were we. and they served their purpose.

the memories of Tiendesitas. and the love for Vigan empanadas.

i know.

2008-05-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

this is nothing.

compared to this.

i know.

blackeye.

2008-05-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

somehow, i feel that it's just about time to let everyone know.

you could only hate me for doing this. and that's better than the indifference you have with me now. for the longest time that i've been keeping this to myself, time didn't seem to have helped. distance also didn't. maybe, just maybe, bringing this to everyone's attention will do me the favor of moving on. after all, i have nothing to risk. perhaps, the hopes of, at least, being civil with you. and i can't take it any longer when you, still, say that we are friends. because that i have already risked long before.and i lost it. i can take mockery. from you. much more from other people.

i have long surrendered. i know what lies at the end.

with this, i am not soliciting comfort. not at all pity. i am saving the better of myself. i only wanted to let go of this self. after more than seven long years, i am certain, i deserve to.

so, please hate me for this. let me experience the strength of the muscles that you've been working so hard for. on my face, i prefer. so, that everytime i would be looking at the mirror, i'll be reminded of how much you hate me. that. that might just give me the reason to hate you in return.

am sorry.

serving its purpose. 3.

2008-05-05T07:27:00.000-07:00

again. ayla and i helped in making it possible for these delicious things serve their purpose.

quantity is never an issue. as long as there's food, am starving.

memories of Mister Kabab.

going straight.

2008-05-05T03:45:00.000-07:00

i chat. contrary to the popular belief that i don't. nothing serious.

except for this one i-thought-would-turn-out-to-be-just-nothing-serious.

randomly. i messaged this guy. a little chat here and there. we were just fooling around. he invited me to his cam. he's moreno, just a little taller than me. not totally stunning. but, he's charming with a nice smile. actually, i really thought he looked like derek ramsey. he was just back from Germany, as he was working there. and he was 25 that time.

of course, he knew who/what i am. we turned out to be regular chatmates. and it never failed that we'd drop an offline message whenever we missed each other. most times, the offline message would contain a certain time he or I would be online next. in that way, we'd be catching each other.

how-are-you's were eventually followed by hey!-i-miss-you's! we texted. he was Smart and i only had Globe that time. ok. i sent him load whenever he was not able to reply. and he used that load to update me with whatever he did. that included the family outings and how the resort was a bit unkept. that they moved to a new house. and mostly, of his whereabouts.

it went regular. we talked about the girls he met online. but, what really got me was whenever i made him smile, he would turn "invisible" so that i can have him all to myself. on most times, he took off his shirt for me. and just that. he never removed his pants and cap. with the cap, he said he was shy of showing his hair. but, he would submit everytime i asked him to take it off. he was "semikal." and when i asked him what's to be ashamed of about it, he'd just smile. that charming smile.

this went on until such point when we would be joking saying i-love-you's. some times, we'd be talking about the possibility of "us." we both agreed that we can't take things so fast.

to make it easier for us to communicate through text, i got a smart phone that Christmas break. i still sent him loads. we talked about us. anything that has to do with the idea of "us." time came that he started to call me everytime "everytime" i sent him loads. maybe not instantly. he'd call just anytime of the day. may it be 6am on weekends and midnights during weekdays. we often argued as he would insist, and i would tell him "it's too early in the morning. my voice is even hoarse." and all the time, he won. i'd just jump out of the bed to answer his call. he would just ask me what i would be doing for the day. or he'd tell me that he is at a bar with his brother and that he's not interested with the girls there. we talked about mature things. and ended with goodnight's, good day's or good morning's. and "i love you's."
at some points, he'd tell me that he's falling for me. and when i sounded doubting him, "but, that's how i feel", would be his reply. i knew, i fell for him too. we were a couple. there's an "us."

until one time.

we chatted. we talked about "us" and everything about "us." he was his normal self. except that it wasn't him! that should have been my clue. that avatar pic of a girl. it was his girlfriend i chatted with. i knew he had a gf as he told me about her. i went offline.

the next day, we chatted. not, the normal him. he was angry. and he told me to just cut everything between us. i was hurt. and he was sorry. but, he had to. he tried to make me understand. i couldn't! that time, he was not smiling anymore on cam. and it scared me that he was serious. i tried to keep my cool. and i had no choice. it was painful. he was still trying to make me understand. i ended up with a goodbye and i love you. he was sorry.

since then, we barely catch each other online. we would sometimes. but i just stared at his bold name. and when i dropped a line, he pushed me just the same.

now, it's been more than two years. i lost my smart phone. and i got a new one last Christmas break. since his number is also stored in my Globe, i decided to text him. he asked who i was. "rhyan, if you still remember me." and he replied with my full name. my first, second and sur names! and when i asked him how he was doing. he told me that he is going to have a baby. and he plans to keep his family intact. and that we can't start anew. he doesn't want to disappoint his wife. and i should be able to understand girls better. he was right.

just a few minutes earlier. he was online, i checked on him. his baby. his family. i only got a "?" mark. and several attempts of reply from him. i had that anticipation that everything might get ok between us when i see in the window "********* is typing a message." none was sent. maybe, he doesn't want to push me away and just chose to not say anything. he went offline. and i dropped a message, "i only needed someone to talk. with." because, earlier, and until now, i really do need someone to talk. with.

one thing i really liked about him is that he's smart. and we only talked in English. too bad, he's straight and decides to go straight. but, the memories he left me, give me hope.

the tale of three boys.

2008-05-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

i was waiting for my turn to use the cr. and in a short while, three nursing boys came out. cute rich nursing boys.

i feel sorry. i never had my locking-up-in-the-cr-with-a-couple-of-cute-boys moment. i don't care whatever we do inside. what counts is the excitement.

running after the summer.

2008-05-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

i haven't been to any summer getaway. yet. but i have two trips lined-up.

anawangin, zambales. this is still a bit shaky. the plans. as i am saving for a more a more grand trip to palawan. so, if ever this pushes through, it has to be a thrift trip.

coron, palawan. and who needs planning? we don't. we booked the trip a minute of excitement. the next day, we got our tickets. impulsive, unplanned. totally. now, i should be really serious with the saving thing. and this regular visit to starbucks is not helping. not at all!

oh yeah! going to pahiyas, again, this year seems to be something i can't escape.

fine fine line

2008-05-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

a friend told me that in one's pursuit of being more than friends with someone, he is risking the friendship. and most times, both the friendship and the more than friends-hip are lost.

but, i think i lost the friendship first before the more than friends-hip.

or, so i thought.

maybe, i really did lose both.

serving its purpose. 2.

2008-05-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

my friends and I are just so good to help these things serve their purpose.

just started.

halfway done.

this soon fulfilled its.

the memories of Conti's Serendra.

serving its purpose.

2008-05-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

because we all have to serve our purpose.

even the most delicious things have to.

and so they did.

the memories of Jack's Loft Eastwood.

URC Finals

2008-04-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

well, this news is long overdue. but i owe *i think to put a closure on that URC thing.

we ranked 5th out of the 10 finalists during the eliminations. and, unfortunately, we didn't make it to winning any of the top three prizes during the finals.

more than the frustration with not winning, what really got me was the inconsistency with the program schedules and venue. we were already in the P&G (fifth floor) Room when we found out about the new contest venue through that piece of paper posted on the door saying that it was moved to the Engineering theater in the third floor. instead of waiting for the elevator, we just opted to use the stairs. boo!

another catch was with the schedule. it was posted that the registration would be at 1:00 pm and the contest proper was at 2:00. our group arrived at 1:30 thinking that we would still have the time to set up the projector, the new posters and the rest of the details. but it turned out that the only time we have left was that minute i rushed to the cr, changed into my sleeves, put on the sweat shirt *to add a bit more of formality. and at the same time, i stuffed a tablet of Icebreaker and started with the presentation as a judge was already standing-by. boo!

i was just keeping my calm all throughout. well, they served a sumptuous merienda, but, even though i ate a lot as my form of revenge, still, that didn't compensate for the disappointment i had.

another thing. i just think and feel that it is expected of the judges to have read about the different studies prior to the competition proper, rather than asking the presentors even the most basic concept of the study.

i am maybe sounding wrathful, but, i am really totally fine now about the whole URC thing. and everything doesn't end there.

boring me. fag 'em ol.

2008-04-26T06:21:00.001-07:00

i've been visiting lots of accounts lately. from friends, to friends' friends, to friends' friends' friends, til the connection is gone. these are the times when i'm bored and just bored of doing things. a literal surfing into the waves of simple to complicated accounts 'cascades/effects, to the different personalities of the people i get to encounter, to the harsh realities i never get to realize (realized maybe, but never gotten really the full aceptance), to just anything lame, to surprising.

friends are people from my account whose accounts are updated (not all, just some i'm really interested of getting updated), and also some friends that i haven't seen/heard from for the longest time. and some of them have nothing new, or if there are, something new that won't make me less missing 'em. after all, am just bored to do anything, and doing this is not any less boring. no difference.

friends' friends are, also, mostly, my friends who are not directly linked to me. still, just checking, and no more than boring. but, what about the my friends' friends who are not really, even, of acquaintance? but, how do i choose these (amidst their so so many friends -- i only have a hundred very few plus) accounts to visit? here it is:

click every cute hot guy there is in the list
click every cute guy there is in the list
~~click every hot guy there is in the list~~

in cases that there is none, click 'back'

the same steps apply to the extended network accounts.

cute hot, cute, hot. take these literally. these descriptions aren't supposed to mean anything else.

cute hot's are the ones with pics which show them shirtless, flexing biceps, with bodies of sculpted pecs and abs and with good-looks not just worthy of head-turns, but, of u-turns. when u get into their accounts, they get u hanging with their private profiles, but, mostly, they have open-to-views profiles.

cute guys are the ones with the great looks, charm, but, of less stripteases. mostly pics showing their faces at different angles smiling or emotionally manipulated, as to simply make pa-cute. simply to say, goodlooks and it's done.

(hot guys are mostly not really hot. they just take their shirts off, and by doing so, they seem to say, 'ey! look at me! am hot.' when, in fact, they are merely on topless. when you happen to encounter one, just get off as easily as u could, as you surely wouldn’t want to waste time waiting for the whole page to load.)

what then (just for the former 2)?

click onto their pics. cute hot guys have more pictures of their abs and pecs, tribal hennas that run their backs, biceps, neck, abs (that sometimes lead way more down there) at various angles. more inviting pics with them on still photo striptease. rarely, they give it all the way. there's just something to look forward with their every pic. unlike the cute ones, whose facial expression is just everything. but, it also pays to browse all their pics :).
profile check. status and interests are of hints.
more about me’s down to testimonials to comments

i didn't eloborate much on the profiles to comments as these present some realities.

they get to fetch comments from girls drowned with gay guys' comments or testimonials of; ur sexy, hot blah. add me up', 'thanks for the add, hope we get the chance to know each other better (and get hooked up in bed, as the unwritten intention)', 'i'm just around if u need a (fucking) friend. here's my number', or the animations or graphics. nonetheless, all these, are manifestations of desires, urge, or of salivas drooling.
most of them are gays!!! yeah! take that! interest like relationship with men and women, blah blah is a slap if u still don't get to realize that. gorgeous guys interested to date boys and girls. (me sounding wrathful about this when i am supposed to be happy about it, deserves another blog entry)
some claim to be straight. but with infos containing more of 'sex' from books to occupation to hobbies to who-i-want-to-meet's. or 'i'm straight but i can be with gays also for a reasonable offer...'
some are just really blessed. goodlooking and hot. some whom u just can't blame for being so desirable without any intention of soliciting lotsa' praises. i spare them.

and i clicked 'home.' back to my boring page design(less). with pics that haven't known photoshop. back from the accounts of people with great page animations/designs, of people with a world that is, yet, for me to reconcile.

(disclaimer: not of any generalization. but, not fictional.)

bus.ride.

2008-04-04T00:39:00.001-07:00

that bus ride.

i went to the Phil. General Hospital to get my laboratory results. i don't say that i am worse than 3 months ago. but the condition of my thyroid is still bad. my T4, T3 and TSH are still abnormal. i guess, i am just lucky that the lump in my neck doesn;t show and that my eyes don't bulge.

i dropped by Wendy's to get a biggie Coke. i had it in a gulp. the ice started to melt. and i decided to ride the bus instead of the fx. that was something different. something i did for still being sick. i had the chance to sit just behind the driver. strategic as it would be easy for me to alight.

as i was nearing my street. para! the driver didn't seem to hear . i was already at the top of my lungs *and that wasn't that loud. still he should have heard it. he pulled over a block away. i was keeping my calm and debating to spill what's left of my drink. i didn't.

as i was walking, i was swearing on him. and i was wishing him dead...

toenails...

dead toenails for you! ***hole!

what if i did poke his ears with the straw? at least i could have helped him get through his act of being deaf.

URC

2008-04-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

When everything else seems to be all disappointments, i made sure that at least in one thing i'd make myself that achiever that i used to be.

i may not be your theory-bookish-A-type-UP-engineeering student, but i am sure and certain to claim that i can be useful when it comes to Research and Development and application.

our thesis Tin Whisker Formation in Relation to Stress Relief Bake Time, Temperature and IR Reflow is sure to bring us places. i made sure of that. making it sure. ranking 2nd in the faculty judging of the CE department and making it as one of the top 10 finalists in the whole engineering, there's surely a long way ahead for our study. for us.

we are maybe not making it to the Graduation Ceremony as graduates, but, we may least make it there as winners of the Undergraduate Research Competition.

*with fingers crossed. sana.

i wonder where would our next sunshine be

2008-03-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

some are friends for 12 years now. others, since the khaki-shorts-with-satin-ribonette-running-along-the-sides-and-knee-high-white-socks days.

we parted ways after high school, as others decided to be exposed into the bigger world of Manila and some decided to stay in the comfort of the southern sunshine. that very same sunshine we'd go back to during university breaks. under that sunshine, we only talked about those days we'd spent together, and not much of those we spent separately during college.

now, a very close friend is just waititng to leave for Tokyo for his sandwiched Masteral and PhD in Earthquake Science. and another close friend is leaving sooner for Qatar. and everyone else has plans. i also have plans of leaving.

soon it would be different sunshines for each of us. and that southern sunshine is what we'd only have in common.

i'm sorry Tuesday

2008-03-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

it just dawned on me...

when i just turned 21, my friends and i went to the album launch of Session Road in Xaymaca, Timog. at the end of the band's last set that night, some of the members joined us in our table (i've got friends who are friends of the band also, that's why). Coy, Tuesday Vargas' now live-in partner sat next to me. he started talking with me, from admiring the top i was wearing, 'til my friends blurted out my being a virgin. maybe, it appeared interesting to him, he told me that he can get someone i can have sex with for a sum of money. and i told him that the idea is off. amidst all my shying away, he offered himself.

Coy: Ako na lng.
Me: Silent and shy.
Coy: Cgeh, ako na lang. pag 23 ka na tas virgin ka pa rin, ako na lang.
Me: An tagal naman nun.
Coy: Just looking at me and smiling.

i don't remember how that conversation ended, but, as he left the table, i said to myself that by the time i turn 23, i don't think i'd still be virginal. that was still 2 years then.

in a few months, i'd be turning 23. and i *in a whisper still haven't engaged into a sexual relationship. if he's serious about what he said, then i myt forcibly get into the act come october. and if he really really is serious about that, perhaps, i'd make sure not to lose it until then...on him.

too bad that i know, he didn't mean what he offered.

of course.

ES 12

2008-03-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

roughly 6 years ago, i chose to go to the prestigious University of the Philippines - Diliman full of hopes for greater knowledge and a liberating society. and yes, for moving on (i left ******* a letter saying that i'd be away and that i might just move on and get over my feelings for him).

my first failed subject was Math17: College Algebra and Trigonometry. i got my classcard on my birthday. i sort of expected it, but still, the shopping money my mom sent me, though it was a lot, didn't compensate for the frustration. my parents were worried. so, i went home.

i won't be going thru all the details of my failures in UP. i'll just tell you this, it became an unintended habit. i never failed to fail one subject every sem. well, at least, those subjects were the ones normally failed by the students. and that makes me the normal/average UP student.

now, i am supposed to graduate this summer, with all other things going well, this Engineering Science 12, which is Dynamics, threatens to hinder it. it is already my 3rd take of this subject. and when i am supposed to be an expert with it by now, i am still finding it hard. ok, this course doesn't really have a history of passing rate that would make you confident. just last sem, it wasn't even 50% even when they curved the passing score. so, it won't be a surprise if the same thing is going to happen this semester.

well, to not make 'em all evil, they gave an exam which was so easy! very actually. problems with just around 5-step solution. but the catch there, you should have thought of an approach that wasn't taught to class. turned out to be the overall mean of the exam was only 40-50%. then, of course, professors went like, we already made the exam so easy, what happened. oh yeah! how sweet! what are we? a social experiment?!

i know that there's still a possibility that i won't make it, but, i was at least at peace with the idea that i still have a summer. but, hearing that they won't be giving out summer classes of the course, wtf?!

i would surely bother myself making a petition letter and obtaining signatures to support it, just in case...i won't make it. and if they won't be persuaded...hmmm...

probably, a bomb threat to the department
bribery?
make use of connections perhaps
a mobilization might do

it's up for them to decide. the hell, they won't be giving those classes for free! we'll pay, duh!

photos from that night. from that Mafia experience.

2008-03-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

some low quality photos from that night. from that Mafia experience.

the balls.

and those who got 'em.

that night. that Mafia experience.

2008-03-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

after several times of convincing, i finally joined a friend couple to Mafia. the place is co-owned by a famous designer, who happens to be their friend. so, i got in there for free. that was my first to be in such a place. it is adjacent to Bed in Malate.

the place was crowded. with gays ranging from a very few (there were just 2, i guess) crossdressers to those who tried but failed to be discreet to those whom you won't really suspect. with share of lanky ones to a majority of hot gorgeous kind. that visit had an underlying greater purpose of learning. practice what i was taught, and strip what's left to discover.

of all the very few tricks a friend told me before, it was the brushing that i was really able to muster and master. instead of squeezing yourself avoiding to get in physical contact with passing by people, do otherwise. intend to rub your arms on the guy/s chest/s you are coming across with and you are doing the basic. until, you'd start feeling comfartable with brushing your every inch with anybody's every inch. since, it is a given tactic, i also had guys doing the same thing on me. this got me bothered as i am flat-chested. and we are talking about pectoral muscles here. with their developed tri and biceps forcibly rubbing on my chest, it felt like they could already get a hint of the structure of my rib cage. my mom surely doesn't understand the need for me to hit the gym.

being able to go up the VIP lounge, i had the entire view of the dancefloor and the business that was going on. i was too busy doing my observations that i didn't even notice Aiko and this Joanne Quintas roughly a meter away. i was so fixated admiring the hotness oozing on the dancefloor and reconciling the presence of some unfortunate creatures strutting their asses amongst the needble-impermeable flock of the third sex.

it was actually amazing how these extreme types get along. flirting and dancing with just anybody was like picking the pink one among pink cotton candies. they give out and ask for contact numbers as if calling cards were just raining on them and all they had to do was to grab each of everyone's. just the same. at the end of it all, they won't be able to place the names and numbers on a specific face. other than a fully-charged phone, another basic necessity (not including those things one'd need when leaving the bar with a partner) is mint. observing people engaging into casual torrid kissing was an affirmation.

generally, that night, i knew that i was far from getting laid. even though there were instances where i already felt someone else's breath on my cheeks, still, the closeness we had was only proximity-wise. i admit, i lusted and desired some guys that night. i was even envious with how they did what they'd wanted without hesitations. i don't know if it is the fear of rejection that's stopping me or the simplest reason that i am still not finding that person of stronger personality that i'd need for making me weak on my knees.

even i have decided that having a boyfriend from that crowd is a big NO-NO, i'd still go back to that place as i know i'd be missing that solace i found from being there. that would be my second visit. but, who knows, my first on some other things.

maybe i didn't really try

2008-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

i always i have it inside.

i so just know.

and, as i try so hard

i just can't walk away from it.

well, maybe because...

i still keep your pictures, and everytime i look at 'em, i'd always find myself catching my breath.
7 years isn't enough for me to forget those two years.
i'm still waiting for you to push me away.
i still hope and believe...

"i may not like what you'd say

but, i deserve that.

i deserve that closure."

messed up. but, fixing.

2007-11-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

a lot of fixing to do.