If that is the so-called goodbye.

thoughts on leaving someone behind and on leaving someone that is leaving.

you would feel closer to someone you left behind and is staying home. because when you think of that person, you can imagine him walking on the streets you used to walk, bumping into people you used to bumped into with.

when you left someone who ain't staying home, you won't be able to imagine the streets he is walking, people he is meeting.

but, you know, in whatever season it is, the Summer wind would always be your song.

missing you stanger.

at some point in our lives, we miss some- greatly. usually it's -one or -thing.

i miss UP. i am missing that day i danced in the rain and the chill that the banana shake sent through my nerves after. i miss running the stairs as to not get late for a class. i miss the faces i come across with in the corridors. much more, the faces i walk with, i sat with during lunchtime. i miss strutting down Katipunan. i miss closing the Starbucks there at 3am. ordering my third beverage upon waking up. walking out for a smoke or two. listening to a conversation or the noise that the people i see there everynight make. they're all familiar. but, remained to be strangers.

i am missing the familiar.

your face is one that i've accidentally learned to memorized by heart. but, as i imagine how weak those beautiful eyes make me and how hurt i feel as i trace that nose down to those lips, you are becoming just as a stranger as they were.

but, i am missing you stranger. so much that it hurts that even in my daydreams you remain to be...

a stranger.

how was ur first kiss?

mine? hmmmmmmm...

it happened fast. i was only meaning to kiss the corner of his lips.

• he closed his eyes.
  
• i closed my eyes.
  
• his lips were soft.
  
• my right hand was on his left cheek. i forgot what my left hand was doing.

and with a lot of first times that took place that night, it was that first kiss that lingered.

ok. i remember everything. except that when i think about it now, i feel that there is something that was missing. and the two hours that i waited for the bus in the terminal was a torture. i called two friends, a girl and a boy, when it became unbearable. i asked them how was your first kiss? and they both said it was good. ok, mine was also good. until that point when i was alone and had the chance to recall the details. there is something that was missing. and the amazingly fast trip from pangasinan to manila, was another 3.5 hours of emotional torture.

and it is just now that i am able to figure out that missing piece. that one emotion i could associate it with. i am sure of one, excitement. but excitement is only good at the moment. there's got be something else. and just figuring out that emotion robs the rest of my feelings. and i came out to this one plan. get back to that guy and relive that first kiss. and when that time comes, i'd drop the excitement and deduce that one emotion that will last forever.

well, that's not gonna happen later today. and who knows, i'd be kissing someone else before that chance of seeing him again. but i don't care. that was my first. and nothing beats the first kiss.

twice i believed u. twice u betrayed me.

would it be too much if we demand a little more honesty from a person that is important to us? hmmmm...that person also makes you feel that you are important in his life. and you are just good friends. no pressure.

in any given instance of sadness, one would usually associate it with heartbreak. and we go on searching for that heart song.

and for the past days, when i am in a roller coaster of emotions i always turn listening to these songs:

• Music Box - Mariah Carey
• Love Hurts - Incubus
• Open Your Eyes (to Love)
• Any Other World - Mika
• In God's Hands - Nelly Furtado

and i don't wanna go on explaining why such songs. they just sounded as hurt as i am. i realized that falling too much in love, let love alone, hurts. this makes some love songs so sad to listen to.

UrAWriterNotALover

for the past two weeks, i was trying to get back in shape to writing. i made several attempts. but, to no avail. everything dropped into my drafts unfinished. in most, i was successful with finishing a complete sentence. and that was the best that i could make. sometimes, i had beer in hopes that it would do its magic to me. i had coffee and lots of yosi to give me that writer-effect. but, i always ended up just staring blankly drowned into the silence of the night and to the chaos of my thoughts. raining didn't help. it only made me even more drifted away from focus.

several times, my friends called me insane. and when i asked them if they were serious, they were. and it got me thinking, that maybe, i was really acting strange lately. how strange? strange enough that made them buzz saying that am not being myself. and they just know me too well.

the slap was painful. because, i know that at this point in my life, i am a writer. but, my blog remained inactive. i was asked to write about the Caribbean as a sample article for a chance to be hired and make writing as a career. but, after reading a lot about the Caribbean, my mind seemed numb of ideas. it was painful, because i know that i am a writer.

and what i have been doing? where i have been going? why wasn't i writing? i fell. into something virtual. where the emotions are just as real. and i won't elaborate on that. not yet. maybe, not ever. you just have to understand that you may not understand. i am a lover.

and what's important right now is that i am able to publish a new entry. and maybe it's a sign that i am getting back in shape. i am having a fresh start with the effort of reconciling the worlds am in. because maybe, i can be both.

A Lover and A Writer.

barbel and notebook

a blogger who accidentally dropped a 25lb barbel plate on his notebook causing the poor thing's LCD to shatter. a gymbuff and writer rolled into one.

hot or not?

i say, HOT!

too much of making me feel that there's no one to hold my hand

it wasn't a breezy Anawangin-shore morning. but, yes, it was cold. raech and i agreed that the sun rose on the other side of the island, hidden behind the mountains in our back draft. nonetheless, it was a fair wake-up off a tent night. the sea seemed to move a bit farther from the shore. and the wind blowing softly creating cute humps of waves kissing the shore passionately as compared from the last night's hard and torrid.

i was staring blankly towards the horizon and still wishing that the sun could have risen there. what got my attention off morndreaming was when raech and seph rose and started to walk away. ok, i pretented that i didn't pay attention. but, boy oh boy, the fact that there's no one to hold my hands came crushing on me.

story of a girl

beer and raech is not a match. not at all. raech turns into a big red lump as the spirit of alcohol runs down through her esophagus. but here i am, writing my blog entry of her with a bottle of San Mig Light. with yosi breaks in between, of course. she said, that i shouldn't be dramatic enough to make Ate Charo burst into tears, but, having beer is already so much drama. and no. don't think i have to be under the influence of alcohol just to be able to write this. well, that's another drama. in an off way. so drop it.

the first time i met raech six years ago, the anti-social-quiet-me was so the opposite of the perky-enthusiastic-her. not that i didn't like her, but that was just the me. without realizing that we'd be taking the same classes for being of the same course, we met roughly two years after. it was ok having someone familiar in the class. but, having someone seated next to you who loves to talk was a different story. she started introducing her life and discussing things even before the professor had started giving lectures. and until now, i still believe that she's the reason why i did come out off my shy-shiny-shell. until now, i still tell people how i used to be quiet until i sat down next to raech in class. raech, there's the comment box for you to refute it. which am sure you will do.

from then on, we became mates in almost everything; lab-, seat-, class-, group-, thesis-, project-, study-, to eating, shopping, watching movies, to boy-watching, uh, to almost everything. our early-friendship ultimate bonding was eating our favorite longganisa meal *with extra garlic rice for me, drinks upsized to iced tea and with an order of twister fries for each of us in McDo Katipunan. and our dessert? the cute guys from Ateneo. that was our complete breakfast for quite sometime. by then, our favorite hang-out place was National Bookstore, may it be in Katipunan or Crossings Quezon Av where we never failed to check on the appliances and furnitures sections.

in the long run, i had developed a sort-of dependence on her. when i cram on our big-time papers, she remained calm. when i felt full with the butterflies in my stomach during reports or presentations, she was my cheerleader. there was that confidence that i'd be making thru with whatever i do as long as she's my mate. she's my confidante. i can tell her things that i'm not comfortable telling anyone else. and that was just fair, after all, she's shared a lot about her life. even the story of her first menstruation!

there were the down-stories. one literally down-story was when she was slammed down to a chair by her brother, whom i find hot, and who is the same guy behind the wheel in my earlier post passenger's seat.
and how funnily i came in defense of her brother. ok, i just have to mention this to establish her connection with the guy behind the wheels. and who'd forget that one down moment that almost made her laptop fly? that same moment that stained with tears a long table in the ground level discussion room of the Engineering library? i was just waiting for her to call for it then we'd rage war *haha! one thing that i really admired about her, was how she came out strong and in control *maybe not much with her emotions but with the whole situation, in general. and one thing i was saying to comfort her, "sabihin mo lang raech, ipaghihiganti kita. paiibigin ko sya tas idu-dump!" which of course, she found funny. but, the next time that happens raech, now that i've met him, i might just give that a consideration. though, am not sure of the "dump" part now, *haha. just kidding! but, i guess, it's about time that i make this confession: when you said that you were meeting him for lunch that enrolment day, it surprised me, though i have anticipated it already when you said that night before that you'd be talking to him. i just thought we'd be having a lunch out that day. well, i didn't ask why. as i have stopped questioning love when i realized that there'll never be an exact answer to my question. but, after bonding with your high school friends, i seem to know why. and it's scary that am finding the reasons *lol so am shrugging 'em off. on a serious note, i feel confident that you're back to his big strong arms. big-strong-arms that needed a gay-guy's-strength-that-is-me to put up a tent. whew! ok, am still proud of that. but, in case he forgets that gumamela in your bikini, you know that i am just a text away and i can readily take on our revenge.

molded with experiences in like,
this girl, like anyone else, is ordinary.
struggles through pain.
efforts on acads.
endures failures.
success.
this lady is extraordinary.
she handles and faces them with lax and sophistication.
simplicity hidden behind the stern looks.
charm is obvious by the sweet smiles.
raech does whatever she can today
and never waits for the next day.
but she envisions tomorrow with positive thoughts
and as another chance for her to be better.
she stands with what she believes
and opens to what she has to.
a woman of both contentment and wishful-thinking.

-by me, on her yearbook write-up-

the sweet smiles sometimes fade, and from a night's cry, eyebags appear with a frown in your face. but, tomorrow, when the eyebag cream takes its effect, you'd see in the mirror a better person that is you.

sis, remember that bus ride after your party i was telling you about? that it was too early in the morning? and cold? i think i forgot to tell you that the mild rain made it possible for me to see my reflection in the window. it was a look that is missing you and everyone else. yab yu sis!

your share of the alcohol has turned warm. but, since you can't have it, i'll still finish it even i gag to the taste and smell of a stale beer.

passenger's seat

there is something about boys, uhmmm...guys, hmmm..ok, men that fascinates me. am talking here about real men, straight, goodlooking. those men with views in life that transcend more than sexual preferences. those men who could sit down with you and talk, discuss things, and ask.

ok, mine wasn't that kind of sit-down, it was more of the passenger's seat moment. he greeted me, inaantay mo daw ako? andito na ako! with his arms stretched to the open. i've been liking him, that's no secret to anyone, even to him. this guy could stir conversations. no dead-airs, that am proud of. we talked about catching buses on late-nights. he told me about his girlfriend's graduation and how it was lengthy and gotten-sort-of boring. how hard it was raining in manila that's why he arrived late at the party. how inappropriately dressed he is in a semi-formal just to drive his sister's friends to the bus station. he said that i should have gone to his birthday party as it lasted til the next day. he recalled how it rained hard and how slowly he was driving and that other cars got stranded.

he had to hit the gas station. we were still talking about things of just nothing in particular. he asked, why others had to leave early as the real party was just starting.

then we drove to fetch his boys. what? dyahe! if i only knew, i shouldn't have joined him. he alighted and whistled. he talked with a friend at the gate as i was left in the passenger's seat just looking at them. he motioned to me at times, he must have said that he was with someone. and how he told me to him, that i am not having an idea. and he went back to the car. pinasunod ko na lang sila. that was a relief. at least, i didn't have to do what i have been practicing on how i would be reacting when he'd introduce me to them.

on the way back to their house, he told me that he's got only three really close friends that he would just love to hang out with. that his friend's mom would kid that they could be gays. he also told me that he doesn't like girls when it comes to drinking sessions as they are a responsibility as you would need to bring them home and attend to their being-a-girl. we discussed about the night life in their area and how cheap beers are. with a 100-bucks, you'd get drunk already. he told me that it isn't easy driving around their place as streets may get confusing even when you already live there. he told me that the provincial trains passes in the street we were crossing. he asked me if my parents don't get angry when i stay late. i told him they are in mindanao, and i told them my whereabouts. he said that his girl is from zambaonga. i asked him where would she be working. is she going back to the province now that she's graduated?no, he said. she'll be working here as working with provincial rates doesn't get you anywhere. we talked about his future plans. he wants to put up a building to be leased for an easy money. i also told him how i was having thoughts of venturing into a small business.

then we arrived. and i became that shy me again. he offered me some beer and jokingly "flirted." uhmm, yeah, i believe so. and all i can do was smile.

oh! that ever shy-me, i hate it.

and i am deciding that he could be a really really great friend, if only i don't like him. and of course, when given a chance. it's not like i see him everyday.

btw, he is a smooth driver. and for some reasons, it feels safe to be sitting in the passenger's seat with him on the wheels.