If that is the so-called goodbye.

thoughts on leaving someone behind and on leaving someone that is leaving.

you would feel closer to someone you left behind and is staying home. because when you think of that person, you can imagine him walking on the streets you used to walk, bumping into people you used to bumped into with.

when you left someone who ain't staying home, you won't be able to imagine the streets he is walking, people he is meeting.

but, you know, in whatever season it is, the Summer wind would always be your song.

Chuck's pact.

i'll see you somewhere around the world.

whether that would be in watching the pyramids of Egypt.

or running and being kids again playing in a Disneyland wherever.

or back home.
under the southern sunshine.
where we'd be having 2 packs of cigar while filling the night with memories, plans and smoke.

i miss you already.
even when i know that i'd be seeing you in a week. you'll be even staying with me in my cramped room before that day that i'll be watching your back disappear into the departure area.

don't forget to extend my regards to Her Royal Highness.

TGL, anyone?

"i cannot be your boyfriend. but, it doesn't mean that i don't love you."

" thanks."

i just got the chance to watch the Love of Siam the other night. and in those two quotes, the the movie ended. i planned to watch it again. the movie was great. but when i think about it, i just so don't have the heart to replay the film.

i was so depressed after watching. gawd! it shattered a part of my ideals. that part that contains the possibility of a True Gay-Love. and i went hopeless.

and, i can't go on with this entry.

i am just so heartbroken.

how was ur first kiss?

mine? hmmmmmmm...

it happened fast. i was only meaning to kiss the corner of his lips.

• he closed his eyes.
  
• i closed my eyes.
  
• his lips were soft.
  
• my right hand was on his left cheek. i forgot what my left hand was doing.

and with a lot of first times that took place that night, it was that first kiss that lingered.

ok. i remember everything. except that when i think about it now, i feel that there is something that was missing. and the two hours that i waited for the bus in the terminal was a torture. i called two friends, a girl and a boy, when it became unbearable. i asked them how was your first kiss? and they both said it was good. ok, mine was also good. until that point when i was alone and had the chance to recall the details. there is something that was missing. and the amazingly fast trip from pangasinan to manila, was another 3.5 hours of emotional torture.

and it is just now that i am able to figure out that missing piece. that one emotion i could associate it with. i am sure of one, excitement. but excitement is only good at the moment. there's got be something else. and just figuring out that emotion robs the rest of my feelings. and i came out to this one plan. get back to that guy and relive that first kiss. and when that time comes, i'd drop the excitement and deduce that one emotion that will last forever.

well, that's not gonna happen later today. and who knows, i'd be kissing someone else before that chance of seeing him again. but i don't care. that was my first. and nothing beats the first kiss.

twice i believed u. twice u betrayed me.

would it be too much if we demand a little more honesty from a person that is important to us? hmmmm...that person also makes you feel that you are important in his life. and you are just good friends. no pressure.

in any given instance of sadness, one would usually associate it with heartbreak. and we go on searching for that heart song.

and for the past days, when i am in a roller coaster of emotions i always turn listening to these songs:

• Music Box - Mariah Carey
• Love Hurts - Incubus
• Open Your Eyes (to Love)
• Any Other World - Mika
• In God's Hands - Nelly Furtado

and i don't wanna go on explaining why such songs. they just sounded as hurt as i am. i realized that falling too much in love, let love alone, hurts. this makes some love songs so sad to listen to.

UrAWriterNotALover

for the past two weeks, i was trying to get back in shape to writing. i made several attempts. but, to no avail. everything dropped into my drafts unfinished. in most, i was successful with finishing a complete sentence. and that was the best that i could make. sometimes, i had beer in hopes that it would do its magic to me. i had coffee and lots of yosi to give me that writer-effect. but, i always ended up just staring blankly drowned into the silence of the night and to the chaos of my thoughts. raining didn't help. it only made me even more drifted away from focus.

several times, my friends called me insane. and when i asked them if they were serious, they were. and it got me thinking, that maybe, i was really acting strange lately. how strange? strange enough that made them buzz saying that am not being myself. and they just know me too well.

the slap was painful. because, i know that at this point in my life, i am a writer. but, my blog remained inactive. i was asked to write about the Caribbean as a sample article for a chance to be hired and make writing as a career. but, after reading a lot about the Caribbean, my mind seemed numb of ideas. it was painful, because i know that i am a writer.

and what i have been doing? where i have been going? why wasn't i writing? i fell. into something virtual. where the emotions are just as real. and i won't elaborate on that. not yet. maybe, not ever. you just have to understand that you may not understand. i am a lover.

and what's important right now is that i am able to publish a new entry. and maybe it's a sign that i am getting back in shape. i am having a fresh start with the effort of reconciling the worlds am in. because maybe, i can be both.

A Lover and A Writer.

devirginity. in her eyes.

raech mentioned to me once over the phone that she had a dream. but, she won't tell me that time. it had to be in person. then that day came and she was still ecstatic. the characters: me and a mestizo guy. the plot: my devirginity! and she was like behind the camera as she was actually seeing everything happening. my oh my! my devirginity. with a mestizo guy. uhm, wasn't i the one who is supposed to be dreaming about my own devirginity. at least, in my dreams.

a couple of weeks after, i was having this personal issue with a certain guy. personal. read: it was just my own issue and not of the guy's. crap! anyways, i showed her the picture of that guy. and she freaked out! it was him! the guy in my dreams! gawd rhye! sya un. ok. it wasn't her first time to see his pics. just some old pics i grabbed from friends. but, the ones i showed her that time were the recent. ok, it was startling. i know raech wouldn't lie about anything to me. maybe, she'll reserve some. but, not lie.

but, maybe, she could have been wrong. there is just a lot of mestizo guys. and others would look almost alike. maybe, it is really this guy that i was with in her dreams. i am posting this guy's pics just in case he'll be more familiar to her. afterall, they have similarities. both hot. goodlooking. and everything that is mestizo. well, i think it has to be corrected. they both don't look just like mestizo, but, full-bred. anyway, for clarity's sake, here are some pics for her to compare.






for some reasons, i hope that it was this guy.

raech, tell me you were wrong about the first guy!

uhm, either way, how can you be dreaming my dreams?

the tale of three boys.

i was waiting for my turn to use the cr. and in a short while, three nursing boys came out. cute rich nursing boys.

i feel sorry. i never had my locking-up-in-the-cr-with-a-couple-of-cute-boys moment. i don't care whatever we do inside. what counts is the excitement.