If that is the so-called goodbye.

thoughts on leaving someone behind and on leaving someone that is leaving.

you would feel closer to someone you left behind and is staying home. because when you think of that person, you can imagine him walking on the streets you used to walk, bumping into people you used to bumped into with.

when you left someone who ain't staying home, you won't be able to imagine the streets he is walking, people he is meeting.

but, you know, in whatever season it is, the Summer wind would always be your song.

Chuck's pact.

i'll see you somewhere around the world.

whether that would be in watching the pyramids of Egypt.

or running and being kids again playing in a Disneyland wherever.

or back home.
under the southern sunshine.
where we'd be having 2 packs of cigar while filling the night with memories, plans and smoke.

i miss you already.
even when i know that i'd be seeing you in a week. you'll be even staying with me in my cramped room before that day that i'll be watching your back disappear into the departure area.

don't forget to extend my regards to Her Royal Highness.

Ma, meet him.

i am taking a break. a break to tell the world how much i love my mom!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!

i already told you everything that i wanted to say in that cute birthday card i sent you thru LBC.

love you mama! palangga ko gid kamo!


i haven't seen my mom almost a year now. and i couldn't be so sure with how much has changed. well, we can almost deal with anything now. she's started to become more of a friend but nothing less of a mother. and how comfortable she is with that? she can already afford to blurt out questions like these. gosh! but, that's a better thing, i say.

TGL, anyone?

"i cannot be your boyfriend. but, it doesn't mean that i don't love you."

" thanks."

i just got the chance to watch the Love of Siam the other night. and in those two quotes, the the movie ended. i planned to watch it again. the movie was great. but when i think about it, i just so don't have the heart to replay the film.

i was so depressed after watching. gawd! it shattered a part of my ideals. that part that contains the possibility of a True Gay-Love. and i went hopeless.

and, i can't go on with this entry.

i am just so heartbroken.

my pre-20+++

At 23, I am at the stage that has just started getting a life.

When, all my college friends had gotten over school, I was practically left all by myself. Not that we declared FO, it’s just that we had to go on with our own lives not seeing each other everyday like we used to. (It was the same when I graduated from high school when I chose to be somewhere entirely new, and it was by default that I would be starting to gain friends.) I started with so less human interaction. Two hours on TTh’s were the only time I spent outside my place and in that 2 hours, I’d survived with not talking to anybody, and I frittered the rest of the week locked inside my room. And having no outlet for that my not-so-social social nature, I sought refuge over the internet, and eventually found myself in the comfort of having a virtual social life.

I added people in my Facebook account. Every cute guy I get bumped with, actually. Most of them turned out to be not-English-talking people. So I considered having crash-courses in French. Others, I added for being in countries and cities that I’d love to be someday. Still, they had to be goodlooking as my minimum requirement. It was all about taking chances on the affinity of Western people with Asians. Your network could grow real faster if you would only allow it. But, the longer I had let it flow and grow; I noticed that I was moving in on a closed loop. I realized that my facebook friends were mostly gays and we all seemed to be linked with each other. It was still a good thing, not that I really cared. I interacted with most of them in ways made possible by the site’s features. I had my share of “virtual relationships”. But, in the long run, it was hard to keep up. The site requires much of RAM usage, not to mention that the different time zones and the idea of a long-distance relationship is simply hard to work out.

So I resorted to blogging. It’s a healthy way of sharing everything. I don’t have much of readers following me, but, it was less of a pressure without having to impress a particular person. There’s no need to keep up with time zones. No need to bother with future plans that weren’t even tangible in any sense. I spent lots of time tweaking and flicking the layout more than the entries. Until, I settled with a blue-black theme. It gave that full-effect. And it is as well apt with the image that I was wishing to convey --- “boyish”. The thought of marshmallow-colors is already redundant. With keeping a blog, there’s nothing really social about it, but you content yourself by just sharing your thoughts and feelings. I tried, or dared, as the more exact term, to be honest as I could but, I failed at some point. Maybe, there are things better left unsaid, so we leave some details to ourselves. Or, some things won’t affect the entirety of the whole entry if left secret. I could have settled to this. After all, writing is one thing that I really love to do. Until, I enjoyed chatting.

twice i believed u. twice u betrayed me.

would it be too much if we demand a little more honesty from a person that is important to us? hmmmm...that person also makes you feel that you are important in his life. and you are just good friends. no pressure.

in any given instance of sadness, one would usually associate it with heartbreak. and we go on searching for that heart song.

and for the past days, when i am in a roller coaster of emotions i always turn listening to these songs:

• Music Box - Mariah Carey
• Love Hurts - Incubus
• Open Your Eyes (to Love)
• Any Other World - Mika
• In God's Hands - Nelly Furtado

and i don't wanna go on explaining why such songs. they just sounded as hurt as i am. i realized that falling too much in love, let love alone, hurts. this makes some love songs so sad to listen to.

UrAWriterNotALover

for the past two weeks, i was trying to get back in shape to writing. i made several attempts. but, to no avail. everything dropped into my drafts unfinished. in most, i was successful with finishing a complete sentence. and that was the best that i could make. sometimes, i had beer in hopes that it would do its magic to me. i had coffee and lots of yosi to give me that writer-effect. but, i always ended up just staring blankly drowned into the silence of the night and to the chaos of my thoughts. raining didn't help. it only made me even more drifted away from focus.

several times, my friends called me insane. and when i asked them if they were serious, they were. and it got me thinking, that maybe, i was really acting strange lately. how strange? strange enough that made them buzz saying that am not being myself. and they just know me too well.

the slap was painful. because, i know that at this point in my life, i am a writer. but, my blog remained inactive. i was asked to write about the Caribbean as a sample article for a chance to be hired and make writing as a career. but, after reading a lot about the Caribbean, my mind seemed numb of ideas. it was painful, because i know that i am a writer.

and what i have been doing? where i have been going? why wasn't i writing? i fell. into something virtual. where the emotions are just as real. and i won't elaborate on that. not yet. maybe, not ever. you just have to understand that you may not understand. i am a lover.

and what's important right now is that i am able to publish a new entry. and maybe it's a sign that i am getting back in shape. i am having a fresh start with the effort of reconciling the worlds am in. because maybe, i can be both.

A Lover and A Writer.

barbel and notebook

a blogger who accidentally dropped a 25lb barbel plate on his notebook causing the poor thing's LCD to shatter. a gymbuff and writer rolled into one.

hot or not?

i say, HOT!

devirginity. in her eyes.

raech mentioned to me once over the phone that she had a dream. but, she won't tell me that time. it had to be in person. then that day came and she was still ecstatic. the characters: me and a mestizo guy. the plot: my devirginity! and she was like behind the camera as she was actually seeing everything happening. my oh my! my devirginity. with a mestizo guy. uhm, wasn't i the one who is supposed to be dreaming about my own devirginity. at least, in my dreams.

a couple of weeks after, i was having this personal issue with a certain guy. personal. read: it was just my own issue and not of the guy's. crap! anyways, i showed her the picture of that guy. and she freaked out! it was him! the guy in my dreams! gawd rhye! sya un. ok. it wasn't her first time to see his pics. just some old pics i grabbed from friends. but, the ones i showed her that time were the recent. ok, it was startling. i know raech wouldn't lie about anything to me. maybe, she'll reserve some. but, not lie.

but, maybe, she could have been wrong. there is just a lot of mestizo guys. and others would look almost alike. maybe, it is really this guy that i was with in her dreams. i am posting this guy's pics just in case he'll be more familiar to her. afterall, they have similarities. both hot. goodlooking. and everything that is mestizo. well, i think it has to be corrected. they both don't look just like mestizo, but, full-bred. anyway, for clarity's sake, here are some pics for her to compare.






for some reasons, i hope that it was this guy.

raech, tell me you were wrong about the first guy!

uhm, either way, how can you be dreaming my dreams?

Boyish in Coron, Palawan: divinity. virginity. under the fading sun.

i wonder if how many people from that trip knew that my name is rhyan and that it has an H after the R and before the Y. or at least, must have considered calling me rhye, as what was stated in my name tag. well, there's one person who was able to spell it out. never missing the H. and i was ok with that.

wet even before blown. -ayla
on the last day, karen and i knew how sacred every stick was.
we were on our barely a pack of yosi.
as much as i was protecting it, i didn't anticipate the strong current and the shifting of tides.
i held 'em high, but to no use.
some remained dry. some were stained. some were on 50-50 chances.
in the pursuit of salvaging, i dried 'em in between bamboo poles.
and, at the end, they served their purpose to be blown.
not shown was my red lighter that miraculously worked after getting soaked.

i am actually thinking, if it wasn't for that one-word description i made of myself during the introduction, maybe, i would have turned out to be another nameless face. my record with the straight-shots was only secondary. if it wasn't because of that one-word description, they wouldn't even have considered cheering for me to have 6(7) shots straight of that concoction.

boat 3. -ver
this was taken while leaving the Kayangan Lake.
and it made me realize how stuffed the boat was.
it reminds me of our Vietnamese brethren on their pursuits for refuge in Palawan.
though, i really find it amusingly beautiful.
with the sun about to set. making everyone gloriously tan.
for some reasons, this still appears glamorous to me.

up to this time, this whole introduce yourself part still gets me. in whatever circumstance. which part of me do i have to tell. which part would they need to know. would interest them. would make me successful in getting into their consciousness. for me, introductions should not take more than a name, just the first in most cases, and a handshake. and, as an additive, your job if it is on any relevance to the occasion. in a friendly setting, a description which is supposed to be striking, say cool, is required. that time, i had to come up with something that is me. and there was no better link i can think of but my blog. this blog. BOYISH. it created a mark. more than what i intended to.

for the love of beautiful pictures. -ayla
this banca was left in the middle of the low-tides.
under the setting sun.
karen and i heard it calling us, "pichur! pichur!"
right there and then, we knew we can't just let this call for a beautiful photograph pass.




we are against the sunset, and we adore it. - ver
this is how it looked like when viewed from the other side.
against the golden blanket and shimmer of the setting sun.
a cheapshot that is totally not cheap, but, a real money shot.
a cheapshot is a stolen shot. candid.
and we are so thankful to those who did cheapshot us.




it's just so painful to leave you behind. -brian
it was hard walking away from such a perfect set.
another cheapshot we are thankful of.
those who did cheapshot must be more thankful for having been given
such beautiful subjects and photo turn-outs. *nagfi-feeling :p
silhouettes can still convey emotions.

now, it is a definition, more than just redefining. for me. and for a lot of other things. boyish, now, is anything that is poetic. dramatic. emotional. sweet. and yeah, gay.

yoga. yogis. -ayla
we left the banca for these stones.
not seen here were the sea urchins.
oh, in the name of beautiful pictures.
if only this picture captured the shrieks.




sunset is not all about lonliness. -ver
it is also about divinity. and glamour.
it is not just any other cheapshots.
i just don't know which of these ver's cheapshots will be appearing in a magazine.
next time, operation topple these shots.
pressure. pressure. oh! it'd be really hard.

sunset is, oh, so boyish.

too much of making me feel that there's no one to hold my hand

it wasn't a breezy Anawangin-shore morning. but, yes, it was cold. raech and i agreed that the sun rose on the other side of the island, hidden behind the mountains in our back draft. nonetheless, it was a fair wake-up off a tent night. the sea seemed to move a bit farther from the shore. and the wind blowing softly creating cute humps of waves kissing the shore passionately as compared from the last night's hard and torrid.

i was staring blankly towards the horizon and still wishing that the sun could have risen there. what got my attention off morndreaming was when raech and seph rose and started to walk away. ok, i pretented that i didn't pay attention. but, boy oh boy, the fact that there's no one to hold my hands came crushing on me.

story of a girl

beer and raech is not a match. not at all. raech turns into a big red lump as the spirit of alcohol runs down through her esophagus. but here i am, writing my blog entry of her with a bottle of San Mig Light. with yosi breaks in between, of course. she said, that i shouldn't be dramatic enough to make Ate Charo burst into tears, but, having beer is already so much drama. and no. don't think i have to be under the influence of alcohol just to be able to write this. well, that's another drama. in an off way. so drop it.

the first time i met raech six years ago, the anti-social-quiet-me was so the opposite of the perky-enthusiastic-her. not that i didn't like her, but that was just the me. without realizing that we'd be taking the same classes for being of the same course, we met roughly two years after. it was ok having someone familiar in the class. but, having someone seated next to you who loves to talk was a different story. she started introducing her life and discussing things even before the professor had started giving lectures. and until now, i still believe that she's the reason why i did come out off my shy-shiny-shell. until now, i still tell people how i used to be quiet until i sat down next to raech in class. raech, there's the comment box for you to refute it. which am sure you will do.

from then on, we became mates in almost everything; lab-, seat-, class-, group-, thesis-, project-, study-, to eating, shopping, watching movies, to boy-watching, uh, to almost everything. our early-friendship ultimate bonding was eating our favorite longganisa meal *with extra garlic rice for me, drinks upsized to iced tea and with an order of twister fries for each of us in McDo Katipunan. and our dessert? the cute guys from Ateneo. that was our complete breakfast for quite sometime. by then, our favorite hang-out place was National Bookstore, may it be in Katipunan or Crossings Quezon Av where we never failed to check on the appliances and furnitures sections.

in the long run, i had developed a sort-of dependence on her. when i cram on our big-time papers, she remained calm. when i felt full with the butterflies in my stomach during reports or presentations, she was my cheerleader. there was that confidence that i'd be making thru with whatever i do as long as she's my mate. she's my confidante. i can tell her things that i'm not comfortable telling anyone else. and that was just fair, after all, she's shared a lot about her life. even the story of her first menstruation!

there were the down-stories. one literally down-story was when she was slammed down to a chair by her brother, whom i find hot, and who is the same guy behind the wheel in my earlier post passenger's seat.
and how funnily i came in defense of her brother. ok, i just have to mention this to establish her connection with the guy behind the wheels. and who'd forget that one down moment that almost made her laptop fly? that same moment that stained with tears a long table in the ground level discussion room of the Engineering library? i was just waiting for her to call for it then we'd rage war *haha! one thing that i really admired about her, was how she came out strong and in control *maybe not much with her emotions but with the whole situation, in general. and one thing i was saying to comfort her, "sabihin mo lang raech, ipaghihiganti kita. paiibigin ko sya tas idu-dump!" which of course, she found funny. but, the next time that happens raech, now that i've met him, i might just give that a consideration. though, am not sure of the "dump" part now, *haha. just kidding! but, i guess, it's about time that i make this confession: when you said that you were meeting him for lunch that enrolment day, it surprised me, though i have anticipated it already when you said that night before that you'd be talking to him. i just thought we'd be having a lunch out that day. well, i didn't ask why. as i have stopped questioning love when i realized that there'll never be an exact answer to my question. but, after bonding with your high school friends, i seem to know why. and it's scary that am finding the reasons *lol so am shrugging 'em off. on a serious note, i feel confident that you're back to his big strong arms. big-strong-arms that needed a gay-guy's-strength-that-is-me to put up a tent. whew! ok, am still proud of that. but, in case he forgets that gumamela in your bikini, you know that i am just a text away and i can readily take on our revenge.

molded with experiences in like,
this girl, like anyone else, is ordinary.
struggles through pain.
efforts on acads.
endures failures.
success.
this lady is extraordinary.
she handles and faces them with lax and sophistication.
simplicity hidden behind the stern looks.
charm is obvious by the sweet smiles.
raech does whatever she can today
and never waits for the next day.
but she envisions tomorrow with positive thoughts
and as another chance for her to be better.
she stands with what she believes
and opens to what she has to.
a woman of both contentment and wishful-thinking.

-by me, on her yearbook write-up-

the sweet smiles sometimes fade, and from a night's cry, eyebags appear with a frown in your face. but, tomorrow, when the eyebag cream takes its effect, you'd see in the mirror a better person that is you.

sis, remember that bus ride after your party i was telling you about? that it was too early in the morning? and cold? i think i forgot to tell you that the mild rain made it possible for me to see my reflection in the window. it was a look that is missing you and everyone else. yab yu sis!

your share of the alcohol has turned warm. but, since you can't have it, i'll still finish it even i gag to the taste and smell of a stale beer.

passenger's seat

there is something about boys, uhmmm...guys, hmmm..ok, men that fascinates me. am talking here about real men, straight, goodlooking. those men with views in life that transcend more than sexual preferences. those men who could sit down with you and talk, discuss things, and ask.

ok, mine wasn't that kind of sit-down, it was more of the passenger's seat moment. he greeted me, inaantay mo daw ako? andito na ako! with his arms stretched to the open. i've been liking him, that's no secret to anyone, even to him. this guy could stir conversations. no dead-airs, that am proud of. we talked about catching buses on late-nights. he told me about his girlfriend's graduation and how it was lengthy and gotten-sort-of boring. how hard it was raining in manila that's why he arrived late at the party. how inappropriately dressed he is in a semi-formal just to drive his sister's friends to the bus station. he said that i should have gone to his birthday party as it lasted til the next day. he recalled how it rained hard and how slowly he was driving and that other cars got stranded.

he had to hit the gas station. we were still talking about things of just nothing in particular. he asked, why others had to leave early as the real party was just starting.

then we drove to fetch his boys. what? dyahe! if i only knew, i shouldn't have joined him. he alighted and whistled. he talked with a friend at the gate as i was left in the passenger's seat just looking at them. he motioned to me at times, he must have said that he was with someone. and how he told me to him, that i am not having an idea. and he went back to the car. pinasunod ko na lang sila. that was a relief. at least, i didn't have to do what i have been practicing on how i would be reacting when he'd introduce me to them.

on the way back to their house, he told me that he's got only three really close friends that he would just love to hang out with. that his friend's mom would kid that they could be gays. he also told me that he doesn't like girls when it comes to drinking sessions as they are a responsibility as you would need to bring them home and attend to their being-a-girl. we discussed about the night life in their area and how cheap beers are. with a 100-bucks, you'd get drunk already. he told me that it isn't easy driving around their place as streets may get confusing even when you already live there. he told me that the provincial trains passes in the street we were crossing. he asked me if my parents don't get angry when i stay late. i told him they are in mindanao, and i told them my whereabouts. he said that his girl is from zambaonga. i asked him where would she be working. is she going back to the province now that she's graduated?no, he said. she'll be working here as working with provincial rates doesn't get you anywhere. we talked about his future plans. he wants to put up a building to be leased for an easy money. i also told him how i was having thoughts of venturing into a small business.

then we arrived. and i became that shy me again. he offered me some beer and jokingly "flirted." uhmm, yeah, i believe so. and all i can do was smile.

oh! that ever shy-me, i hate it.

and i am deciding that he could be a really really great friend, if only i don't like him. and of course, when given a chance. it's not like i see him everyday.

btw, he is a smooth driver. and for some reasons, it feels safe to be sitting in the passenger's seat with him on the wheels.

the rain. the kid. the kid dancing in the rain.

when was the last time i danced in the rain?

yesterday afternoon.

it started when i decided to tip-toe my way to the ME Department to check on my ES12 grade. i passed. that kind of pass that gives no allowance for a single mistake. i needed 12 out 20 from the last exam. i got exactly that. after four takes *such a shame. but, hey! we passed! and for the first time in this blog would i be mentioning about the rain. dancing in the rain.

i just wanted it to be dramatic. that kind of thing i haven't done for anything else that happened in my life. so i danced. i made splashes with my Chucks. and i was drenched. my orange jacket soaking in the rainwater. i extended my arms to welcome the shower all over me. would that be a polluted rain, for all i care. it was freedom, finally, from dose. and having made it to the cut-off added to the reason to celebrate.

and i broke the strap of my lavender adidas sling bag. and being this i'm-sorry-mom-i-played-in-the-rain kid, i didn't care. i picked it up in the middle of the street, not minding if the light already turned green. i was just worried because my laptop was inside that bag. i was a kid that knows nothing but play. i just clutched it and continued my dancing.

and when people asked, i just told them, sometimes we need that kind of drama in life. and so much for the drama, the rain has stopped and turned into a cold blow of wind. so much for the drama, as i was finishing my bacon, footlong, two servings of rice, two servings of pancit canton, pepsi and smoothie *oh! smoothie in the rain. why not? i was shivering. that kind of chill that made me worried that my lungs are gonna collapse any minute and that the cholesterol deposit in my arteries are solidifying to block the passage of blood. so much for the drama, the chill was torture.

and i never looked forward for a hot bath in my whole life the way i did on my way home. kuya, can we turn the aircon off and turn the heater on instead?

monday zits.

i hate mondays since they implemented this 4-day workweek. how can there be classes when the offices are closed? and the library?! students use them and not the office people, how can they be closed? i hate this monday in particular, since my 9-12 class was done, i have this four and a half hour break. talk about killing time here!

i hate this monday more because right now, i'm broke. i only have a few peso left in my purse. one 10-peso, three 1-peso and three 25-cent coins to be exact. and yeah, a 10-euro bill.

i bought yosi before i went to school. that i can't live without, i decided. maybe, just like the rest of the tambays, i would rather have cigars in between my lips than a piece of bread down my esophagus. logic? none.

i had my breakfast after my 7am class. a king-sized hotdog, a sunny-side-up, and two servings of rice. i also had melon shake to go along with my yosi. and for the first time, i washed my medicines with a smoothie! hell yeah! and i had a 20 worth of eload for emergency texting.

i headed to the library, thanks god! the engineering library is open! not that i am really a library person, but, library's gonna halp me kill time.

i don't know if my mom already sent me my allowance. and i am lazy to check. so, i won't be taking in anything before my 1:30 exam. programming! how i hate programming!

i'd just grab something before heading home later. but, right now, i am worthless with a few peso left in my purse. and at these times, i am cursing my regular visits to starbucks where i spend at least 500 bucks. and maybe, i am regeretting it as well, but i'd surely go back to starbucks, maybe tomorrow.

this much.

with this whole thing that's going on in my head. i surely need some clarity.

what do you really want to happen now?
uhm. make him hate me? at least that's better than the indifference. after all, it's about time. i think that's it.

what do you want to happen next?
i don't know. i have nothing to risk. i don't even think we are friends now. i've lost him and the possibility of things getting ok between us.

are you ready to hurt him?
i just wanna get even now. it is seven years crushing all over me now. and it is so painful. i can take any mockery from him. much more from other people.

is this what you really want?
i don't know. honestly, i can't really hurt him in any way that i can possibly do now. i won't really afford to lose that littlest respect he has left for me. because i am sure, he can still associate me with his childhood. in any way.

somehow, i am certain, i still can't afford to hurt him. maybe, i just love him this much. and my best option right now, is to settle it with him.

i know.

this is nothing.

compared to this.

i know.

blackeye.

somehow, i feel that it's just about time to let everyone know.

you could only hate me for doing this. and that's better than the indifference you have with me now. for the longest time that i've been keeping this to myself, time didn't seem to have helped. distance also didn't. maybe, just maybe, bringing this to everyone's attention will do me the favor of moving on. after all, i have nothing to risk. perhaps, the hopes of, at least, being civil with you. and i can't take it any longer when you, still, say that we are friends. because that i have already risked long before.and i lost it. i can take mockery. from you. much more from other people.

i have long surrendered. i know what lies at the end.

with this, i am not soliciting comfort. not at all pity. i am saving the better of myself. i only wanted to let go of this self. after more than seven long years, i am certain, i deserve to.

so, please hate me for this. let me experience the strength of the muscles that you've been working so hard for. on my face, i prefer. so, that everytime i would be looking at the mirror, i'll be reminded of how much you hate me. that. that might just give me the reason to hate you in return.

am sorry.

going straight.

i chat. contrary to the popular belief that i don't. nothing serious.

except for this one i-thought-would-turn-out-to-be-just-nothing-serious.

randomly. i messaged this guy. a little chat here and there. we were just fooling around. he invited me to his cam. he's moreno, just a little taller than me. not totally stunning. but, he's charming with a nice smile. actually, i really thought he looked like derek ramsey. he was just back from Germany, as he was working there. and he was 25 that time.

of course, he knew who/what i am. we turned out to be regular chatmates. and it never failed that we'd drop an offline message whenever we missed each other. most times, the offline message would contain a certain time he or I would be online next. in that way, we'd be catching each other.

how-are-you's were eventually followed by hey!-i-miss-you's! we texted. he was Smart and i only had Globe that time. ok. i sent him load whenever he was not able to reply. and he used that load to update me with whatever he did. that included the family outings and how the resort was a bit unkept. that they moved to a new house. and mostly, of his whereabouts.

it went regular. we talked about the girls he met online. but, what really got me was whenever i made him smile, he would turn "invisible" so that i can have him all to myself. on most times, he took off his shirt for me. and just that. he never removed his pants and cap. with the cap, he said he was shy of showing his hair. but, he would submit everytime i asked him to take it off. he was "semikal." and when i asked him what's to be ashamed of about it, he'd just smile. that charming smile.

this went on until such point when we would be joking saying i-love-you's. some times, we'd be talking about the possibility of "us." we both agreed that we can't take things so fast.

to make it easier for us to communicate through text, i got a smart phone that Christmas break. i still sent him loads. we talked about us. anything that has to do with the idea of "us." time came that he started to call me everytime "everytime" i sent him loads. maybe not instantly. he'd call just anytime of the day. may it be 6am on weekends and midnights during weekdays. we often argued as he would insist, and i would tell him "it's too early in the morning. my voice is even hoarse." and all the time, he won. i'd just jump out of the bed to answer his call. he would just ask me what i would be doing for the day. or he'd tell me that he is at a bar with his brother and that he's not interested with the girls there. we talked about mature things. and ended with goodnight's, good day's or good morning's. and "i love you's."
at some points, he'd tell me that he's falling for me. and when i sounded doubting him, "but, that's how i feel", would be his reply. i knew, i fell for him too. we were a couple. there's an "us."

until one time.

we chatted. we talked about "us" and everything about "us." he was his normal self. except that it wasn't him! that should have been my clue. that avatar pic of a girl. it was his girlfriend i chatted with. i knew he had a gf as he told me about her. i went offline.

the next day, we chatted. not, the normal him. he was angry. and he told me to just cut everything between us. i was hurt. and he was sorry. but, he had to. he tried to make me understand. i couldn't! that time, he was not smiling anymore on cam. and it scared me that he was serious. i tried to keep my cool. and i had no choice. it was painful. he was still trying to make me understand. i ended up with a goodbye and i love you. he was sorry.

since then, we barely catch each other online. we would sometimes. but i just stared at his bold name. and when i dropped a line, he pushed me just the same.

now, it's been more than two years. i lost my smart phone. and i got a new one last Christmas break. since his number is also stored in my Globe, i decided to text him. he asked who i was. "rhyan, if you still remember me." and he replied with my full name. my first, second and sur names! and when i asked him how he was doing. he told me that he is going to have a baby. and he plans to keep his family intact. and that we can't start anew. he doesn't want to disappoint his wife. and i should be able to understand girls better. he was right.

just a few minutes earlier. he was online, i checked on him. his baby. his family. i only got a "?" mark. and several attempts of reply from him. i had that anticipation that everything might get ok between us when i see in the window "********* is typing a message." none was sent. maybe, he doesn't want to push me away and just chose to not say anything. he went offline. and i dropped a message, "i only needed someone to talk. with." because, earlier, and until now, i really do need someone to talk. with.

one thing i really liked about him is that he's smart. and we only talked in English. too bad, he's straight and decides to go straight. but, the memories he left me, give me hope.

the tale of three boys.

i was waiting for my turn to use the cr. and in a short while, three nursing boys came out. cute rich nursing boys.

i feel sorry. i never had my locking-up-in-the-cr-with-a-couple-of-cute-boys moment. i don't care whatever we do inside. what counts is the excitement.